EL

Stay At Home Mom

2012-01-23T13:45:00.005-06:00

I wish I knew what it took to have control over home and raising the little one. Raising the little one actually is going well; I think its just the home that gets out of hand. Maybe blogging isn't the best thing to do when I have this problem, but I've been thinking on this alot.

Cleaning is what I have never been good at. My mom has said to my husband that she didn't raise me to be a housewife. Well, I feel kinda cheated now because this does me no good when that is exactly what I am. I am good at work. What I mean is with keeping up with office work with the jobs I've had, I am good at that. I remember being good at it. At one of my jobs I closed all this stuff as a recruiter just before I left... I mean, performance was never a problem. BUT.... This does not help me now. And it isn't like I could just go back to work either. That leaves out the little one. I want to raise her, it just leaves me in a "job" that I am not good at.

This makes me think of when speaking to someone and asking them, "What do you do?" Basic question that you ask someone when you are learning about them. When I got the answer that they were a Stay at Home Mom (before I was one myself), I didn't know what to say next. If you haven't had the experience, there is a real gap in understanding. So you stay at home all the time? At the same time there isn't the same respect for it, which ties me back to what my mom would tell my husband. There are many women who think that way. There is a lack of respect for the position of raising your children and taking care of the home. But believe me, it is as much of a job as if you are working.

I was reading an article on putting forward the family over individual. That is something I think is lacking in our society. With this relations between husband and wife are affected and most effected I believe are the children. Women asserting themselves by working outside the home when it is not really essential to do so with kids puts alot of strain on the family. There is the cost of healthcare and there is the major fact that someone else is raising your children. I had bad experience as a child with daycare centers and babysitters. I never want to put my children through this. I want to be there for the little one and I will put myself in the vulnerable position of being at home.

So, that is why I can't work. I may be good at it, but I care too much about putting family first. I know many that work out of the home that can't because of lack of family income. I'm not speaking on those women at all. But I do put blame on women in our society that put my generation of women in the position where you require two incomes. Because these women can't make that choice. From women working so much out of the home two incomes slowly becomes a necessity to more and more families.

This does not help me in my original problem I started with. How to be good at being a house wife... Now that I'm in this position, how do I do it? It something I was raised not to respect and never been taught to do. I've been taught to have a maid. Lovely right. Well, I'll see if it gets easier as I see it as my job.

Bored

2011-09-03T18:29:00.002-05:00

Do you remember being bored when you were a kid. Not much of responsibility or much to do in general. It usually came in the summer months, but other than home work and chores what else is there?

I was thinking at this moment I was bored, but really there is still stuff to do. I won't go into extreme detail, but there are things to clean, pay, organize and work to be done at all times. And now my computer is about to die... great.

I wish I had the freedom you have when you were a child. That is what I feel is gone. Strange you really aren't free because of parent supervision but at the same time you are free to play more than any other time of your life. I think that sometimes when I see my daughter. She has no responsibility right now and is free to play as much as she wants. That is beautiful. Well, I'll post before my computer dies:)

Medication

2011-08-27T21:23:00.009-05:00

I feel like I am being used as an experiment with medication no matter the doctor I go to. Doctors like to put me on a variety of medications it seems, all seems worth going along with though. I need some for anxiety/OCD, whatever you want to call it. I need some for my thyroid. I need others for vitamins, because you become easily deficient while breast feeding. I need others to sleep because of the other medications keeping me awake.

From this I am suppose to be better which part of it is. I find myself wanting to get off medication because of medication working which is a ridiculous idea I know. Something I've told others on psychiatric drugs to just keep going, but none listen. I'm going to keep going myself.

So why does this matter. Well with all of this I still am not quite right. My OCD is down but anxiety is up... Doesn't make sense to me. I find myself afraid of communicating the slightest things to others close to me. So things play through my head over and over and over... Is that the OCD up again? Maybe. That is the diagnosis right...

So maybe its just the medication not fully working yet and I didn't even realize it because the obsessions changed. Maybe. They just don't change often. They are usually quite consistent. Am I making sense? That is a good question.

Well, the medications are there as I am trying to get back a life that I imagine I can have. I imagine complete happiness with what I have which I should. Other than a few snags here and there I have a wonderful family and I take care of a wonderful daughter. Can all of this help me enjoy it a little better and also along the way not drive others close to me crazy? I don't know.

I need sleep. Good night blog world.

Conversation

2011-08-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

Drawing more angels

2011-08-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

Angel 3

2011-07-24T08:33:00.001-05:00

Eye

2011-07-23T04:03:00.005-05:00