I feel an ache over my body and jolts of energy through my arms as I think of things going on and things to come. Its from uncontrolled emotions. I can't sleep. There are times that I have trouble coping with things and that has definitely been the past few months. I hate to even write it, but it is the truth. I don't wish to cause problems for my little family, but because of my own anxieties and my own inability to perform in different tasks, that is exactly what I have done. So now I look back at the past months and I see nothing but failure. Failure to take care of my business, failure to do what is needed to be sure my baby is developing well and failure in making sure my husband is happy. All of this is because of anxiety. And there were endless attempts to take more and more off my plate, but I seem incapable of doing anything.
I haven't neglected my child; I know that. But I think she needs more attention from me than what she has been getting. I've read how depression in young mothers does cause speech development problems and other such issues with the child and I do see how that can happen. Though I have to say I am really lucky. I do have an incredibly happy child. I think its because I try to hide how I feel from her and others. You don't want to put that on a baby and I know they can sense you pretty well. So you want her to see you happy and she is happy. You don't want to put it on your husband, he has plenty of problems already. He's made drastic measures to try to make me happy and to relieve me of things from our business. It still hasn't worked. I can still correct things right now, but it shouldn't have gotten to this point. It really shouldn't have. Its not like the first time this has happened where I let things pile up; I leave things bottled up. I keep doing this at different points in my life.
I am not sure if this is the best outlet. I write about problems, but not really. Just how I feel, but not specifics. That is all I can do. What else is there to do. I pray things get better for me and my family. There is no stability in anything right now. I pray I can do well with the business this coming month to make up for any shortfall. I pray I can give my child all the attention she needs.