Friday, October 25, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
1. That I can't be forgiven from my sin
2. That I'm going to do something wrong, just don't know what
3. That I'm lying about OCD
4. Images of cutting self (the usual)
1. Confessing guilt, I feel like I have to say something... Apologizing for being a burden
2. Avoidance of prayer
Can't think of compulsions. I am doing better and that is what matters.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
I am trying to figure out if I have scrupulosity or not? I do spend the day researching my faith. I feel relief thinking that is what it is. It started recently but me trying to be a better Christian started recently as well. I realize I'm not trying to help others or read the bible. Im obsessing over the fact I cant take communion. I fear prayer sometimes and I have inappropriate images come into my head while I do pray. I find myself praying over and over till I got it right. Sometimes I fall asleep. Ive done that for years. I just didnt think that is what it was. I felt ashamed at first, like this itself offended God. But I have some relief now. Goodnight.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
Monday, October 07, 2013
So look forward to the new work and what is to be my updated blog.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
So now I hurt myself. I have to call my mom for help. How else am I going to take care of a three year old? How else am I going to take care of myself? I feel guilty every day since and all of a sudden have tried to push myself. I want to feel better. I want to walk. I can't carry my daughter. I can't get her juice when she wants it. I'm lucky. My mom comes happily to save me from having to hire someone to take care of my daughter and try to make it best I can during the day on my own. But this comes with its own burdens. Not that I can really share... But that isn't the point. I am starting to have a drive for once. I want to get myself out of the situation I'm in. The question is what do I want? I've been asked what do I want and not what others want. Of course I don't see myself actually pleasing anyone in my pathetic state. I guess in my own way I ask what everyone else wants and go along with it. Partially from not wanting to make a decision and from not wanting to upset anyone. So the questions is what do I want of my life. Here is what I have come up with:
1. I want a successful business - It has been Arthur and my dream to work together in a business we run. That business has turned out to be in government contracting. I haven't been working enough on this and when it came down to it, it is one of the top things I want for me and my family. I think my parents think this is me pleasing Arthur maybe, but its not. It is something we've wanted since we were first together and it didn't change when we had my daughter either. I worked on it the day I was in labor with her. I had drive to get our business going then.
2. Raise my child (and hopefully children) to be happy and religious - This should probably be number one, but I'm not paying attention to order. My family is what is most important in my life, and so raising my daughter is number one priority because she is the one in my family that relies on me for everything through the day. What I think of what I want for her, career doesn't matter, what matters to me is happiness. She is already intelligent and I believe she can achieve anything she wants. I believe she can only be happy through knowing her faith and being raised in it. So what I am doing doesn't go with this at all and I am constantly chastising myself for it. I haven't taught her to say prayers and I haven't taught her about behaving in church, because I'm too afraid to take her. I don't get up early enough for it too. So what am I doing?
3. I want to be a religious model for my family - I had trouble thinking of how to describe this one. Before I met Arthur I went through a time I thought of going into the religious life. I didn't pursue it basically because I met Arthur. I was interested in religious studies and wanted to do what God had planned for me. God evidently planned for me to be a mother. From there my love is of philosophy and St. Thomas. I have the entire Summa Theologica at home and I haven't touched it. Basically I want to be more studious in what I believe in and to live as an example of this for my family. It isn't enough to believe it, you must be able to live it. This includes being a good mother and wife. To be a good religious woman basically. I think that is more important than seeking any selfish aims.
4. I want to be beautiful - Does that seem weird. I have dreams of looking at myself in my early twenties. I want to be that once again. I do see myself as beautiful at that time, though I didn't appreciate myself much at the time. This basically means loosing weight and keeping myself up, my hair and my face. That means trying to be good looking day by day. It is good to love the way you look no matter what, but I am not in a good place right now. It is best that I get to that point of also being healthy.
That is basically it. That is what would make me happy. The list is short, but it shows alot of what I am. I truly am a religious woman who wants to represent herself as such through deeds and work. I haven't done any of it recently. So maybe the fall is what I needed to go back and rethink what I want out of life. Maybe I have been depressed and in a slump of sorts. But my OCD is better and I use to most of my blame on that. What is there to blame now, but myself.
Friday, March 22, 2013
This only got worse and I would find myself holding my daughter and crying because of the thoughts. My husband had his own health problems that scared me and I did what I could to hide my own problems. This kept up through moving to Texas from Florida where we had lived since we were married to stay temporarily with my parents. When we ended up in our final place in Virginia, my daughter was almost a year old. That is when I watched a South Park episode making fun of the movie the Human Centipede. I never watched the movie, but thoughts about it grossed me out so much I felt sick. It made me ill and I would tell those around me I was sick. It took that one to get me to research what this was. I knew very little about OCD at the time. I looked it up and noticed that was the symptoms I had and finally went to a doctor.
That was two years ago. I've had a couple (here and here) of break downs since then. Was almost hospitalized once because of a psychiatrist that didn't seem to understand it very well. I went through a few months through the past two years where my husband had to stay home with me to help take care of my daughter. But now I am doing okay again. I have an OCD that comes and goes with my moods. I forget what it is called. All that matters is I am in one of the good stages where the OCD is practically not here.
The best thing that happened and why I am writing about getting better is because of my doctor at John's Hopkins that got me into ERP therapy and got me on the correct meds. This probably isn't the best write up of OCD, but its the best I can do right now.