Thursday, March 31, 2005

Battle Angel

This will be painted on my wall one day.

Crazey thing happened at the lab

I'm off work early today. The lab caught on fire. Pretty weird,eh.

I work at the front taking names and such. I have a feeling that my sense of smell is a bit off. People were coming up to me saying, "It smells like burning plastic", and "is there something wrong with the heater?"

I eventually smelled it. Vishnu(the lab tech) walked around trying to locate the smell. When he couldn't locate it he went back to his seat and put on the head phones.

Then people walked in saying, "Is the burning smell coming from here? We can smell it down the hall."

The incredible laziness of the computer workers was definatly shown today, myself included. We did not act until someone came in saying, "The smoke is coming out in the hall, are you going to do anything?"

That is when we went into action, sort of. "Hey, is it kinda hazey in here to you guys? Should we tell Coleen(office person)?" I asked.

I pulled Vishnu out of his seat again to empty the lab. Dane(lab assistant) told Coleen and told us to let him know how it goes when he gets back from lunch. We shut down the lab after who knows how long people had been dealing with smoke inhailation. The alarm in the building didn't go off till after the police arrived... that was when all computer assistants disappeared. I walked home.

Well, my lungs kinda ache and I feel a little light headed. Nothing too unusual. I think I need a shower though. I smell like burned plastic.

Action Philosophers

You should check this out! A comic book series called Action Philosophers:

"ACTION PHILOSOPHERS is a bi-monthly comic book series detailing the lives and thoughts of history's A-list brain trust in a hip and humorous way that proves that philosophy is not just the province of boring tweed-enveloped college professors."

Thanks to Right Reason for the link!

Wednesday, March 30, 2005


I was talking to the girl at work today about our ex-boyfriends.

Nice topic right.

There is one point that I hear many times about while discussing past relations, abuse. I'm not sure if it has to do with who I am and who I attract to these conversations, or that abuse is just that damned prevalent. Whatever it is, it disturbs me to no end. I've already discusses abuse with two girls today, and so it is on my mind.

What do I hate the most about this topic? I'd have to say is how many in the outside world looks at it.

"Why would she stay/go back to that guy?" "How did she get herself in that situation?"

You know what I see in that statement, blame. That is many times why it is hard for this topic to be discussed with friends and family, unless they've experienced it too. I know it is hard for many to empathise with women in that situation. Trust me they don't want things to be that way either. Abuse puts people in a weak state of mind that is many times (if in the relationship too long) hard to recover from. Women either feel that there is no escape, or they truly don't understand what is going on is wrong. Whatever the reason, blame is the last thing that they need more of. Its better to ask "what the fuck was wrong with that guy?" and if the woman is safely away from the asshole.

But most of our society accepts these situations as norm. At least that is what I've discovered. Though this is not an area of expertise for me, just one of interest for personal reasons.

I will write more on it later I'm sure.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I start off well...

I'm happy!

I woke up early this morning without an alarm clock(my phone is usually my alarm but I've misplaced the charger to keep it on). I was able to put money in the bank this morning; so I'm no longer completely broke. Then I called work to tell them I'd be late... just didn't feel like rushing. Now I have more school work to do, but I figured out that I'm happier that way. I was brain dead after trying to find info the past two days on relief aid given to Biafra in the 1960s... not that any of you care about the subject, but it feels great when I spend time working on a project and finish it successfully. It gives a great sense of relief that other parts of life never give.

I guess I'll try to enjoy this for while it lasts. The computer lab is empty for now and life is good:)

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Happy Easter!

I am spending Easter Sunday at home by myself, so I thought I'd at least put up pictures of my family. I had to put up individual photos up though. The Davis family has not has a picture taken together in years. Even when that did happen it turned out rather badly... all of us are busy! Mom was mad at us that day, especially since we had over a week warning about the picture. My brother and I come in looking tired, plain, and are over ten minutes late. Mom threatens me if I don't at least put on a dress, so I made an attempt to avoid her anger. Matt came in with a cap on, and so has hat hair for the photo. The picture all around turned out very funny, but my mom looks good.

The Davis family is like that. We either come together to work on house projects, or for a short meal as at least one of us has to run off to do something else. I love my family! I guess that is the typical American family anyway. I feel kind of bad that I missed going to mass with my mom today. I usually at least go with her on holidays. My mom and I are the Catholics, the other two are atheists. Well, maybe Matt's more an agnostic. Basically I'm the only one left to go to church with mom, and I'm not the most faithful Catholic. I try... sometimes. Maybe I'll get better with age.

I have some work to do. A damned presentation tommarow and I'm not ready. Hope everyone has a good holiday:)

My mom

My mom
Posted by: lndavis.
She's always been more photogentic than me! Anyway, my mom's about to take her prelims this week! If you see this, good luck mom:)

My dad

My dad
Posted by: lndavis.
I don't have too many pictures of my dad. Most photos are of Mom, Matt and I... I guess he is the one usually taking the pictures? Here he is at Christmas:)

Matt (my brother) and Soja

It is a rarity to see a real smile on Matt's face in photos... of coarse when I find one it is him and Soja!

Thursday, March 24, 2005


Posted by: lndavis.
My kitty past away yesterday... dad just told me. He said she stopped eating a week ago, but she never really appeared to be in pain. She was from a litter of kittens from a field cat that lived next to my grandmothers house when I was in first grade. Yep, pretty old. She was still my kitty, at least everyone said she was as encentric and stubborn as I am. She still slept on my bed after I left my parents' house. I know its common for pets to die, but it still sucks when its your pet:(

I had to put up something about her... she was a sweety!

Me snowboarding

More of, this is me attempting to snowboard. I may look cool, but I bet I busted on my ass a couple of seconds after this photo.

Dave and Byron

Dave and Byron
Posted by: lndavis.
Another friend and Dave in Amarillo again. I remember Byron's car back in the day "the road rapist"... and other than that he's a weird guy.

Logan flipping off the camera

This is Logan. Now this guy is shacked up with this chic in Amarillo and taking care of her baby(not his).

Jess at New Years 2000

Jess at my first apartment when I was seventeen. What you don't see is the bottle of liquor she's holding out in the other hand.

Senior prom

Senior prom
Posted by: lndavis.
Thinking of high school... here was one tortuous occasion for Dave and I.

Brian Deneke

Those from Amarillo may wonder why I put up his name. This is what comes to mind when I think of pointless teenage violence. The recent school shooting has brought back memories of Amarillo in the late 90s. I didn't have to deal with all the pointless teenage bullshit as much as my other public school friends since I went to Catholic school. Many of the people at my school were Brian's friends, no "white hats" (or "jocks") there.

Here is the story to those who haven't heard it:

Born in 1978 at the height of the British punk movement, Brian Deneke at least looked like what could be generalized as punk. He was only one of a small faction that carried on the style.

At around 11:30 on the night of December 12th, 1997, in Amarillo, Texas, Brian Deneke was killed in the parking lot of a shopping center by Dustin Camp. At the time, Camp was a seventeen year old junior varsity football player driving a 1983 Cadillac.

A timeline of the events leading up to Brian's death were pure high school rivalry gone very, very wrong. The two groups, the punk kids and the kids locally referred to as 'whitehats'(because they wore white caps with college football team logos on them,) were fighting because they looked and acted different from one another.

There are two different accounts of what would later turn into a homicide. Chris Oles, a friend of Deneke's, says the 'jock' group was taunting him while he and others were at a local hangout, an International House of Pancakes.

Justin Devore claims that Oles was turning up the heat by lifting up his shirt to show a knife handle. Oles denies this.

The argument became nastier when two boys who did not know each other - Dustin Camp and John King - got into a shoving match. Oles tried to step in, grabbing King in a headlock while Camp hurried out the door.

Outside, both boys gathered up friends to back them up. King apparently said something to Camp - we do not know what - and then smashed one of his car windows with a police baton.

Rumors of planned brawl between the 'punks' and the 'whitehats' drifted around for the next several days, coming to fruition a week later. On Friday, December twelfth, Elise Thompson, then 16, was hanging around town with a friend, Rob Mansfield. Sometime during the night, she and Mansfield ended up with Dustin Camp, aimlessly looking for something to do.

At around eleven that evening, kids from both groups found their way to the IHOP, some hoping to see a fight, some hoping to break up the monotony of a Friday night in Amarillo.

Elise Thompson would later say, "...fights never materialized. One side would show up, and everyone gathered in the parking lot, and you got to see all of your friends. It was just a big, fun social event, and that's what I thought was gonna happen."

A witness to the murder and a friend of Deneke's, Jacqui Balderaz, remembers, "We were all drinking and stuff, and it was kind of stupid to go up there." (Deneke's autopsy would discover a .18 blood alcohol level.)

Thompson went inside the IHOP to visit with friends, and some time later, Mansfield came in and told her they had to leave. In the parking lot, the arguing had begun. Within minutes it moved across the street to a shopping center. That is where things began to get ugly.

Camp, instead of driving away with Thompson and Mansfield, followed the fight to the shopping center. From there, the story splits.

Chris Oles, John King, Jason Deneke, (Brian's brother,) and Jacqui Balderaz say they saw Brian curled in the fetal position, while the 'whitehats' kicked and beat him.

The other side says that there was someone on the ground...but it was not Brian Deneke.

Thompson called the scene, "...crazy. I mean, I'd never seen anything like that. To me, it just looked like this mass confusion of people, just running after each other, hitting each other with sticks and chains and bats...Then Rob [Mansfield] says, "Oh, my gosh, look at Andrew [McCulloch, a friend of Mansfield's]."

According to Elise, Rob went to get out of the car, but Camp slammed on the gas, taking off. He slammed the Cadillac into Chris Oles, who shook it off and seemed unhurt.

Then, Thompson says, Camp turned the car around and headed back into the crowd. There was the thud of Deneke's body striking metal, and Thompson saw him disappear beneath the car.

There were no skid marks, or any other signs, that Camp had tried to stop the car.

As a parting shot, witnesses remember Camp saying, "I'll bet he liked that."

Deneke's girlfriend, Jennifer Hix, told a reporter what she saw the night of the murder. "I remember after he was hit, there was a cheer. We ran to him as soon as he went down. He was trying to talk, but there was too much blood coming out of his mouth. Jason put his arms around him and held him while he died."

Chris Oles also remembers the cheer. Hix recalls, "All these Christian people were, like, saying prayers, and I said, man, he's fucking dead. He's dead, he's dead, he's dead."

Brian was lying in the snow, wrapped in his brother's arms and surrounded by his friends, when he died. Photographs of the crime scene show him on his side, his arms twisted. His front teeth are broken, the left side of his face gashed. His left shoulder has been torn from its socket. An autopsy showed that Deneke's skull, spine, pelvis, and ribs had been completely crushed.

His mother, Betty Deneke, was hanging up Christmas decorations when Jason called, in tears. She arrived at the Western Plaza shopping center to see her nineteen year old son covered by a sheet of plastic, blood staining the snow where he lay.

In the meantime, Dustin Camp had dropped Mansfield and Thompson off at their homes. The two woke their parents and poured out the story of Deneke's death. Rob Mansfield and Elisa Thompson were taken to the police department and gave statements.

Dustin Camp also went home and told his parents what had happened. They simply told him to go to would be taken care of in the morning.

The Amarillo Police Department beat the Camps to the punch. He was arrested early the next morning. A search warrant executed on the Cadillace revealed Brian Deneke's blood, splashed on the undercarriage.

Dustin Camp was charged with murder.

During the trial, witnesses held up the clothes Brian had been wearing, as if to prove he deserved to die because of his appearance, and vouched for Dustin Camp's integrity...describing him as a 'good kid'. Defense attorneys called Deneke and his friends goons, sociopaths, and thugs. He repeatedly stressed how all-American and 'normal' the defendant was.

The tactic of dehumanizing and humiliating the victim worked. The jury convicted Camp of manslaughter. He was sentenced to ten years' probation and a ten thousand dollar fine, also probated. Dustin Camp would never have to pay a dime for killing Brian Deneke.

Mike Deneke, Brian's father, says his son often dealt with discrimination. "He took a lot of verbal and physical abuse from people. We tried to explain to him that if you dress that way, have your hair that way, people are going to act negatively toward you, and that's just the way it is.

"And he said it's not right, they shouldn't. And he's right, they shouldn't. But they do."

In June of 2000, a jury awarded the Deneke family

twenty thousand dollars in a wrongful death suit against Dustin Camp.

Camp remains free on probation.

Sad and pointless... I think that Dustin Camp was finally arrested for breaking probation. I'd have to look into that though.

Jeffrey Weise was definatly a troubled individual. I can't imagine why anyone would commit such a horrible act. Maybe I should be thinking of Columbine instead of Deneke and Camp. But the situation at IHOP parking lot off of Weastern just sticks out in my mind. It was both close to home, and it showed the "good" kid commiting the crime.

I'm sure I had more to write about this in the beginning, but it seems that several computers have decided to crash at once in the damned lab. I am no computer expert, and the only person working here today!

I'll try to write more on this later after I've finished dealing with this chaos:)

What I'm reading, when I should be in bed...

"One may wonder whether the study of moral nature and of natural law is a way to the knowledge of God or whether the knowledge of God must be had before the proposition that there exists a natural law of moral world is established. We may be able to show that the truth is better expressed by the first part of this alternative. Just as the consideration of beauty in things perishable leads to unparticipated Beauty- remember the speech of Socrates in the Symposium- so the consideration of law in human affairs leads to the unparticipated Law, the eternal law which is identical with the divine intellect and the divine substance. Acquaintance with natural law, being a way to God, would be logically antecedent to the knowledge of God's existence. But from this logical priority in the order of discovery it does not follow that the understanding of natural law can be logically preserved in case of failure to recognize in God the ultimate foundation of all laws. Again, the intelligence of natural law is a way to God"(The Tradition of Natural Law: A Philosopher's Reflections by Yves R. Simon, 62).

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Stress on paper topics

Nothing sucks more than trying to come up with paper topics.

Correction, nothing sucks more right now than trying to come up with paper topics. I am the most indecisive person in this area, and I have an incredible talent for procrastination(it takes talent to pull shit off as much as I do it). These two combined have created much stress for me through the years. It is a constant.

I usually have the problem of being too broad or picking the most retarded topics that suck to work on (I'm thinking of a pornography paper I did back at A&M and the another paper that is due at the end of the semester on the some Nigerian Civil War in the 1960s). Right now I am at least dealing with areas of interest. One is on anything that can relate Nicomachean Ethics and the Politics, and the other is for my direct reading on Thomistics Natural Law.

Oh, time's up! I'm off of work. Now I can go brood about this at home.

Ha, ha!

Ha, ha!
Posted by: lndavis.
I have no idea where this originated from, but it is from an email my mom sent me, and I sent to a few others. I just thought this looked hilarious:)

Roommate horror stories

I hate going drinking, not coming home till past 3am, and still having to go to work the next day. Adding alcohol to the lack of sleep just increases the fuzziness. Oh well, maybe one day I'll learn. Somehow I doubt it though.

I think my last post shows that I've felt a little out of it since I have returned from spring break... at least a little more pessimistic than usual. Since I've been both single and stopped the anti-depressants I never get depressed(I think being single has had the more postive effect... stopping the later just decreased my twitching). I have become increadibly pessimistic though. Maybe I've mentioned that before. I don't remember.

Another sign of needing to cut down on the drinking. Memory loss.

Writing about drinking, this girl I work with had an interesting story. When she stepped out of her room this morning she noticed that her living and kitchen area had standing water, and the water in her bathhroom was running. One of her room mates stumbled out of the bathroom in a towel, covered in puke. Leslie(the girl I work with) told me that her roommate takes a bath every night before bed. She passes out next to the tub last night and left the water running. She appeared really pissed at her friend. Hell, I don't blame her. She ended up cleaning up her friend's puke before her 8am class this morning. Damn... I would be kicking her ass out! She is in a sorority though, so she can't do that:)

This makes me think of another drinking roommate horror story. It is the story of Puddles. I know many have already heard of her. My friends and I made sure all would be warned not to let this girl pass out in their house. Puddles has a control problem whenever she drinks which one of my girlfriends found out unfortunaly the first night she moved in with her. Puddles slept on my friend's trundle bed because she hadn't moved her stuff in yet. The next morning the room had a funny oder. My friend noticed her new roommate had pissed on the bed, and just pushed the trundle bed back under her bed. Unfortunatly, Puddles never learned how to clean up after herself. She did this whereever she passed out at. I've made damned sure she never slept at my place.

That is enough of that. These stories are really disgusting. Sorry to those who have been grosed out by the post. I'll put something better up later. Now I'm reminded of why its cool that I live with my brother. We never have problems to that extent. Though I think he is annoyed by my lack in cleanliness. Siblings always have little problems.


Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Nafisi, Nabokov and random thoughts

I just woke from my afternoon nap.

I think I only do this now because I hate going to sleep early, but I still have to go to work in the morning. I know... the complexities of college life:) I've been reading a combination of regular news, blogs, and my regular reading for class. Then I fall asleep looking at Reading Lolita in Tehran.

I read it a couple of years ago. That is how I learned about Nabokov(author of Lolita and Invitation to a Beheading). I originally had to read it for a summer class on the Iranian Revolution. The author has such a beautiful way of describing the effects of the revolution on her life and that of the lives that surrounded her... Also what one goes through living in a totalitarian state.

I don't know why it popped up in my mind this afternoon. Actually, since I've yet to get back to Invitation to a Beheading since before the break it has been at the back of my mind quite a bit. I wanted to remember Nafisi's description of the book. So I'm pulled in once again.

"Those of us living in the Islamic Republic of Iran grasped both the tragedy and absurdity of the cruelty to which we were subjected. We had to poke fun at our own misery in order to survive. We also instinctively recognized poshlust- not just in others, but in ourselves. This was one reason that art and literature became so essential to our lives: they were not a luxery but a necessity. What Nabokov captured was the texture of life in a totalitarian society, where you are completely alone in an illusory world full of false promises, where you can no longer differentiate between you savior and your executioner....

"There was something both in his fiction and in his life, that we instinctively related to and grasped, the possibility of a boundless freedom when all options are taken away. I think that was what drove me to create the class. My main link with the outside world had been the university, and now that I had severed that link, there on the brink of the void, I could invent the violin or be devoured by the void" (Nafisi in Reading Lolita... 23-24).

I can't imagine living in a state where you could relate to Nabokov's work in such a way. It is a frame of mind that is so foriegn to an American. I have tried to relate as any do when they are pulled into a book. Imagine Cinncinatus C. sitting in his cell. He has the constant idea that there is so much he has to do, but why begin a project when you'll never be sure you'll be able to finish. The people around him are all shallow and deceptive, but he follows them like a child. He has the constant idea of a better life and of escape, but he only imagines as he sits in his cell.

I still tryed to relate.

The only comparison I could come up with are the traps that we create for ourselves in this world. No, we do not have a repressive regieme where we feel helpless with the fear of death upon us. Yet we still lock ourselves into this materialistic world with the idea that it will make us happy.

As Jess described it to me on the phone the other night... That we have to find this perfect carrer to make us happy for the rest of our lives. What is the outcome? Well, in Jess's and my case it is going through the education system till we recieve our PhD's. What is the repayment of working away your youth? Why, more work... for security and stuff. Through this I am told never to marry till I'm done with school in my 30s and enjoy what you are forced to do. Hey you'll get plenty of vacation time when your too old to really enjoy it:)

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. I know Jess enjoys her field as well. So what is wrong? It is the force, the false idea of happiness that brings you to extreme pessimism, and the knowlege that you will more than likely be alone along the way.

I write this knowing that there is nothing to do about this trap other than write about it. It could be that I am simply taking what I'm reading and applying it to what is on my mind at the time. I have been coming back to these thoughts often, but it does me no good. So I will end this long and rather pointless post with a quote from Nabokov... Just because I like it:

"Alas, no one taught me this kind if chase, and the ancient inborn art of writing is long since forgotten- forgotten are the days when it needed no schooling, but ignited and blazed like a forest fire- today it seems just as incredible as the music that once used to be extracted from a monstrous pianoforte, music that would nimbly ripple or suddenly hack the world into great, gleaming blocks- I myself picture all this so clearly, cut you are not I, and therein lies the irreparable calamity. Not knowing how to write, but sensing with my criminal intuition how words are combined, what one must do for a commonplace word to come alive and to share its neighbor's sheen, heat, shadow, while reflecting itself in its neighbor and renewing the neighboring word in the processm so that the whole line is live iridescence"(Invitation to a Beheading,93)

(I'm not dealing with doing any links with this mac... blogger should be more mac friendly, its annoying)

Monday, March 21, 2005

Christmas drawing

I drew this over the Christmas holidays when I was in Arkansas. It's Christmasy! See the Misle-toe:)

Sunday, March 20, 2005

A little girl in my dreams

I always pay attention to dreams. They can tell so much of what is going on in your life. Things you might miss. Maybe I get too much into the interpretation of dreams, but I think I have good enough reason behind that.

Since I can remember I have had constant nightmares. My mom blames it on the old black and white Sci-fi movies my dad watched all the time when I was little. Could be. I don't know of anything terrible that happened to me as a child, and so maybe that is it.

When I was in elementary school I started to make fun of my dreams. I didn't want them to scare me anymore... Though I am still scared of the dark. I always treat horror movies the same way. I find them amusing. I never really want them to scare me, though I am usually impressed if they do. But I'm getting off topic.

Now it isn't the grotesque images of dead people that disturb me as much in dreams(I know that may sound demented). For instance, the dream I am having recently. I dream that I am in a hotel... it is different every time. The constant is that there is this little girl trying to ask for my help. One time she said she was dehydrated... but I noticed scars all over her body. Another time she was saying that someone was trying to kill her... but she ended up being the killer. The girl trys to get close to me and I get the feeling of complete terror. She looks so innocent and sweet... but there is something about getting too close to her that scares me to the point that I jerk awake in fear.

I only slept for two or three hours this morning because of this. It only started a few days ago, but its being repetitive. Well, hopefully she won't show up tonight.

So how do I interpret this? I do not know. If it gets to me too much I'll try to see if I can find anything in Jung, or ask my parents. They can be good at dream interpretation sometimes.

I think I've written enough on this subject. Now I will go back to the couch and read, maybe. Honestly my mind has been too distracted today... Maybe I'll write why tommarow. I'll give you an idea though. It involves a good looking, bad ass guitarist... don't know his name. The gyst of it is, I don't understand men. Nothing new.


I'm back!

Yes, Spring Break is over. Right now I am thinking of how cool it would be if it lasted for two weeks instead of one. I could still use a week to catch up on work. Yep, I completely blew off all school work for the week and still have a shit load due.

That's cool though. I went to the beach... The cold beach. Not just that though. There was a riot on the beach between Texas and Oklahoma fraties. Through this chaos I lost my wallet with money and two IDs... the ones that belonged to Jess and I.

No Trojan Party for us. (sigh)

I did get to go to Louie's though! This is the place of the Trojan Party. This is also where Jess had alcohal poisoning last year. Hey, the place still kicks ass. We drank the "death punch" (that's what Jess refered to it as), and this time I had a slight insident the first night. No... I did not get poisoning or throw up. I wasn't even that drunk!

But I passed out!

Oh it was embaressing! Everyone thought I was shit faced at the time. I just walked out of the bathroom and then fainted. I remember waking up to five guards carrying my ass out of the club. Thank God my friends grabbed me before I was taken to the EMS.

Yes, because of me the first night ended early. I made it to the hotel and walked back perfectly fine and munched on food till I fell asleep. I realized a little late that I had nothing on my stomach but the "death punch". Well, at least there were no hospital trips this time.

I have to say that South Padre did not live up to my expectations. I still had an okay time. Sorry... can't say it was great. Though I enjoyed hanging out with the friends that I went on the trip with.

I'll have more to say later. There will also be a few pictures. Not many though. Later!

Trying to show off my hair:)

I just took this now to try and give a better idea of what my hair looks like.

Like my hair?

Like my hair?
Posted by: lndavis.
My hair has been dyed again thanks to Jess:) We dyed the top a darker brown and then I have baby blue low lights. It kicks ass! This is me before going to go see a badass rock band in San Antonio.

Jeremy and Dave

Here's the hotel room in South Padre. I think Jeremy and Dave were playing cards.

Here I am before going out in San Antonio

This was the same night we went to Polyesters. It was the night before we went to South Padre.

Out at Polyesters

This is Jess, Jeremy and Dave out at Polyesters in San Antonio.

Isn't the weather lovely

It was almost unbearable to go out on the beach it was so cold. I still went out! Once I had enough alcohal in my system:)

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Spring Break is here!!!

What to say about today?

Well... it is really annoying that they don't make two-pieces for normal sized girls. I mean I'm not skinny, but I'm normal. A damned extra-large top won't fit!

Yes, I am getting ready to go to the beach. I go to San Antonio tomarrow, and then down to South Padre! It'll be cool.

I hope.

Regardless, I will more than likely not post again till I get back. I'm sure that it won't hurt anyones feelings. Especially since I'll more than likely have cool pics and sketches from the beach... for those few that actually see this blog(whatever, its for my own entertainment).

I know, two things are always on the brain... correction three (and in no particular order): 1)art 2)philosophy(won't say just political) 3)men(the few that live up to my standards)

Knowing me I'll at least get my fill of at least two of those things. Can you guess which?

Not important. Ahh... can't wait to lay out on the beach!!! It'll be a good break. I remember last year. Drinking with Jess. We were trying to play a drinking game, the "drink everytime a sea-gull flys by" game. We had fun but ran into a slight problem.

"Damn! There goes a whole flock of them! Chug!"

We went through that twelve pack pretty fast. I think we will try to be a little better this year.

I think...

Anyway. Going to the beach. Will write when I'm back... promise:)

Happy Spring Break!!!!

Friday, March 11, 2005

Our Project

Jess and I usually have several ideas for projects and money making schemes... I believe zero have gone through so far. Now we think we have one that will succeed. We decided to do a poetry book with her poetry and my sketches. We do that all the time anyway, we already have made a great deal of progress.

Since I am:
1)Not going out tonight(yep, I'm a dork)
2)Am too scatter-brained to do any real work(I know I use that excuse alot)

I am going to try and fix the links on the side to show selections from our future work.

Exciting right! Well, I am excited easily right now from the lack of sleep this past week. And no, it doesn't seem I'm going to catch up on it tonight.

Hmmm... lets see if I can do this.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Thinking of the past

I have journals since I was in middle school. Well... I haven't been that consistent, but I have tried.

I found an old journal I kept about a year to two years ago. It is interesting to lay back and go through the past. Memories start to run through my mind... not always very clearly. I have a few occurances in my past that are rather disturbing to me. Not to mention doing(or consuming) a few other things that have effected my memory. Enough of it comes through though, enough for me to know I don't have any dissociative dissorder to worry about.

To get back to what I was writing about, it can be confusing running through these memories from long ago(it feels like long ago, though it wasn't). All of them have such strong emotions attatched to them that I can't relate to anymore. I see and read these things from my past and it feels so foreign to me... it doesn't feel like me at all. I do know that they were done by my hand. The style is very familar to me. It basically feels like I'm seeing things written in a dream, and in some instances I'd say a nightmare.

So why am I writing this? I was looking at the
  • sketch below
  • and I realized that my explanation makes no sense. I was "thinking of the past." I was looking at these journal enteries thinking... did this really happen? Could I really have let these things happen to me? My hands have a need to be constantly occupied. I don't know if its my ADD or just a general feeling of always needing to be productive. Whatever it is, I ended up with this sketch in the process.

    It is hard for me to explain what my sketches mean. In the past I refused to even try. Actually I didn't let anyone see these things till recently. Its only been a few months now that I considered myself an artist... though still amateur one. I still don't understand it. I didn't really know that I had any talent what-so-ever until only a couple of years ago. Now it still suprises me that I can put my emotions into pictures better than into words.

    Sorry for not giving all the info on the picture. Some know why I would refer to my past in this way. Though to those who are confused... sorry. These sketches are my way of conveying personal feelings without being perfectly straight forward about it.

    Well, at least I tried to clear things up a little. Now on to class....

    It's all a dream...

    Just another quick sketch. I just finished this a few minutes ago... thinking of the past.

    Wednesday, March 09, 2005

    I've been sucked in by this book...

    "I am here through an error- not in this prison, specifically- but in this whole terrible, striped world; a world which seems not a bad example of amateur craftsmanship, but is in reality calamity, horror, madness, error- and look, the curio slays the tourist, the gigantic carved bear brings its wooden mallet down on me. And yet, ever since early childhood, I have had dreams... In my dreams the world was ennobled, spiritualized; people whom in the waking state I feared so much appeared there in shimmering refraction, just as if they were imbued with and enveloped by the vibration of light which in sultry weather inspires the very outlines of objects with life; their voices, their step, the expressions of their eyes and even of their clothes- acquired an exciting significance; to put it more simply, in my dreams the world would come alive, becoming so captivatingly majestic, free and ethereal, that afterwards it would be oppressive to breathe the dust of this painted life"(Cinncinnatus C. writing in his cell in Invitation to a Beheading)

    I started this a long time ago, but only made it through the first chapter and set it down. A couple of days ago I picked it up again, and I have to say that it has sucked me in... that's not necessarily a good thing. I really don't have much time for that. I will try to put it aside for now. Maybe read it at the beach or something. When I have time I'm going to have to read Lolita. From what I've heard, that is one of Nabokov's better works. Just to let you know, if you have time, this book is definitely worth reading.

    Tuesday, March 08, 2005

    Weblog quiz

    I have to head up to the school again, but I had to post the results to this quiz. It was linked off of Phil's page (Shades of Gray)... I'm not as bad as him. I did just start doing this though.

    12.5 %

    My weblog owns 12.5 % of me.
    Does your weblog own you?

    Oh yeah, Happy International Women's Day!

    Monday, March 07, 2005

    Slow day:)

    Such a slow day... every day is a slow day in the computer lab. The guy I work with decided to go to the back of the lab and sleep. Yeah, being paid to sleep. Not that it bothers me... today is rather pleasant.

    My mind has been focusing on what direction to go in my direct readings(I've just been reading general introductiry books to natural law theory). I am way too indecisive. But I need to have an idea of it by tomarrow. Well, I at least need to give him an idea of what I'm interested in. So what am I interested in? I think I need to read more. With every book I read there are more philosophers that I need to look up. I read more and more in this field, and the more I read the less I feel I know. Not that it bothers me, it makes things more interesting actually. It just really doesn't help with my indecisivness.

    Well... honestly I was just bullshitting hoping that I could come up with something interesting to write about. I'm sure I'll come up with something later. But for now I need a break.

    Sunday, March 06, 2005

    Masquerade Ball

    This one was done awhile back. I don't know if I want to say too much about it though. It is much more interesting to hear others' opinions on my drawings... they usually sound better than the original meaning. As far as I can remember I've only told Jess what it means.

    Saturday, March 05, 2005

    I love Goya!

    I was actually finishing a sketch up to post today... but I was sidetracked. As I was drawing my brother, the art-history expert, told me that I might be interested in Francisco de Goya(1746-1828). He told me that it seemed more my style... so I looked him up. I am interested in art, but mostly what I know comes from Matt(brother); other than that I am rather ignorant on the subject. I think this is proven in that I didn't know who Goya was. So... I found all his paintings, prints and drawings online at the Web Gallary of Art. I have to say that I have found a new favorite artist. I love his prints(especially this one 'The sleep of reason produces monsters'):

    The sleep of reason produces monsters

    This is one that I did know of before. I have to say that I was excited when Matt pointed out that this was one of Goya's prints. Well... I can definatly say that my quality is in no way comparable to Goya, but I can see where my bro thought I'd be interested. Goya has a combination of religious art and political satire... all that I love. I always wondered why no one used 'The sleep of reason produces monsters' print in any political cartoon. Hey, it'd be cool:)

    These are some of my favorite: 'Out Hunting for Teeth!', 'The Madhouse', 'Witches' Sabbath', 'A Procession of Flagellants', 'Witches in the Air', and 'Truth Has Died'.

    My fridays are usually very uneventful. I have probably spent way too long looking at Goya's art. So now I am going to pull myself away from the computer and try to do something a little more productive. Let's see if it works...

    Wednesday, March 02, 2005

    Me again:)

    I was slightly disturbed that my drawing of myself earlier(in 'I just finished this!')was described as a guy. So I went to the bathroom (only place with a mirror) and tryed to sketch myself real fast. I think I only spent like 5 minutes on it, and I just used a pen that I use for class... so that is why it is kinda ruff. Did I at least get a little closer this time?

    Cool eye...

    Yeah, I decided to go through my stuff and see if there was anything else to put up. I don't remember how long ago I did this one... I think it was before I recieved my BA. Whenever I try to use different shades, it always turns out pretty wicked, like this one.

    Tuesday, March 01, 2005

    How it goes at old TSU-SM aka SWT

    I am skipping around on reading between three books on natural law. It is rather intimidating having a direct readings course... all the focus is on you. If you are behind, the prof notices. Well, my prof has noticed I'm behind, so I am going to try to do catch up.

    As I am reading through I realize that it would be rather benificial to know latin. For instance, I constantly see this recently:

    ius naturale
    lex naturalis
    ius gentium

    Okay, these are just a few. Now I believe that lex is law, ius is justice, and I for all I know naturale and naturalis are both nature. If anyone happens to know latin, maybe you can let me know if I am doing okay thus far. I am guessing that I'll just have to ask my prof next time I see him. Not real important. Its just a pain in the ass that they don't offer latin at Texas State.

    I am just being reminded a few things that annoy me with this school. One being that I can't take classics(which would be a great minor if it were here).

    Two being that even the profs tell me that in my area there will be few classes to benifit me. I'll basically have to do this on my own. Last night I was rather annoyed about being pulled away from my reading to go to class. Now that is pretty bad. But the reason is because it is a problems in international relations seminar class with 35 people in it, in other words a lecture class and boring. Now not all lecture classes are boring... I am thinking of three in particular. Two at A&M and one here. The one here was my military history prof that used the class for his examples on strategy on the battlefield, the first A&M prof I had would run around the classroom yelling (hard to fall asleep to that... plus funny), and the second A&M prof was my friend that I was sitting in on and he stole my coke in class for an example on Hobbes. But that is beside the point...

    The last thing that I am annoyed with is the lack of general academic interest at this school... or at least around my area of the school. This university has an outstanding amount of little petite blond girls with their stupid muscle boys. I am reminded of an experience last semester when one of those muscle boys thought he could scare me into letting him pass through the profs attendance policy for a decent grade... thank God for sharing the office with three other guys. Now most of these people are in undergrad, but to my amazement several of them pass into grad school (I think it dumbs me... if using the word 'dumbs' is not proof enough). I do get along with several of the grad students here, and several of them are way over my intelligence(Neil for example). I don't want to insult them all. I'll just give you an example...

    After class I was talking to this girl because I had missed the week before and needed notes. I tried to discuss what we were going over in class with her (Aristotle's Ethics). What did she do? She pulled out something equivalent to Cliffs notes... you know, I won't even continue. I have been bitching enough.

    As I have stated at the first, I need to catch up. I wish I could post more sketches, but I am not doing that as much recently. Jess will put up more on her blog(Blog is a dumb name) when she has the poetry ready to go with it. So I will go back to my readings of what my brother refers to as 'ancient philosophy crap'(not direct quote, but was just said earlier this hour). So I will end with Aritotole, Book 10 of The Nicomachean Ethics(Wordsworth Classics edition)....

    "It follows that the activity of God, which is transcendent in blessedness, is the activity of contemplation; and therefore among human activities that which is most akin to the divine activity of contemplation will be the greatest source of happiness".