Sunday, May 29, 2005

Before dinner

I'm at my parents house with Arthur. Everything is cool. Dad and Arthur are talking politics while my mom is in the kitchen... and I escaped for a couple of minutes to type.

Now here is the deal. I have hinted at the problems I had with my ex to my parents, but haven't really come out and said it yet. I just feel like they need to know, but every time I try to speak it won't come out. Right now I feel the anxiety of it all... I guess it is difficult to pass on the burden.

I'm still going to try. We are staying here tonight.

Everything seems cool.

Maybe it'll be better with Arthur here with me. I don't know. Should it be so difficult? It's not like no one knows.

Well, I've got to go eat.

I'll write later. I feel bad for not keeping up my blog recently.

Time for dinner!

My biggest distraction...

What to write, what to write....

Okay, I guess I'll just go with my train of thought then. I've been out of sorts for awhile. Partly because of my new relationship with Arthur, partly because of having a cold and partly from having panic attacks more frequently. I have had some real problems with my stress levels and it has really been effecting how well I function in my day to day life.

The simplest tasks become hard and my social anxiety comes back. It really sucks. Its over for now though... I've really had a weight lifted off of my shoulders today.

How much do I say?

Well, I've been trying to face some things in my past. One thing in particular... stuff that happened in my past relationship with my ex. I didn't really realize how much I was holding in until I felt I had to let the new guy know about my past. My ex was unstable to say the least. I've had a knife to my throat, broken mirror held to my throat and just been strangled.... Yeah, he has some wierd thing with that. I don't think it would be a good idea to go into more detail than that, it isn't very pleasant. Plus I have a growing fear even as I write this of what others think....

So why am I putting this up here? I've realised how this past relationship effects my close relationship with everyone else I care about. I was in a realtionship for five years where I could not act out naturally against my partner. My anger was usually misplaced. I didn't know when things would be good and when things would be bad, so I would try my hardest to read him.... to know how to react to him.

This leaves me reading too much into every damn relationship that I get into or just any relationship that I have in general. I'm talking friendships and all. That's been my constant distraction! How can you focus if you are constantly on edge with every relationship in your life?

I hope I'm making sense. This is hard to explain... but when I realized what I was doing it was like my body relaxed for the first time in a long time.....

Not to say that I'm better. It has to be noticeable that there is something wrong with me when I can't complete but one class in an entire year. Now I just need to figure out what to do....

There it is, at least part of it. That has been on my mind. I do what ever I can to keep it away... I haven't been able to escape it and I haven't been able to get over it.

So here I am. That is where I am at. Now I am going to bed. I'm going to church with my parents in the morning.


Friday, May 27, 2005

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Rambling on my so far sh#@ty day and Strauss (sort of)

I just looked at myself in the mirror and I can see little red vein looking things under my left eye. What the hell does that mean? It is hideous! Other than that I was all excited to go pick up Arthur from the airport and I just found out his flight was cancelled. On top of that I say f@#k San Antonio police, I don't feel like going to the damned courthouse today.

All in all this puts me in an excellent mood today(Sarcasm has been used and will be used, if you can't tell).

Isn't that how life is though? You can't be too happy about something. It is garunteed that if I feel excited and happy about the day that something will go terribly wrong. Well, it isn't all lost though. I am still going to go drink with Jess tonight. Sounds like a decent crowd will be there too. I also have money, yeah!

Let's see, what else is there to tell.

Oh yes, I finally put something up from Strauss earlier today. What can I say, the book is sitting on my coffee table for some reason... So I picked it up.

Strauss caught my interest from hearing about the Straussians. The first time I hung out with the guys at A&M I remember them talking about the Straussians at the conference earlier that day. I had honestly never heard of them before, so I had Phil explain what a Straussian was to me. Since then I came here to Texas State and the main prof I have here was taught by Straussians at University of Dallas. She states that she is in no way a Straussian. I asked her about Leo Strauss before I had class with her and so she assigned 'Natural Right and History' to read the first day of class... I think that the other students in the class were a little annoyed with me whenever they learned that it was my fault they were reading that. Before I knew it another prof I worked for wanted me to do my second lecture on Strauss's 'Thoughts on Machiavelli'.

Why did I feel compeled to tell you that?

The question is how many of you that come here know what a Straussian is and who Leo Strauss is?

I thought it was interesting that there were people who had heard of Strauss outside of academia. Mostly becuase of the neoconservatives. When I look at Strauss and I look at the image of the neocon, I don't really see the similarity. Do I really know what a neocon is? No, not really (I like Phil's writing on this). Is it a conservative Jew? If that is so, maybe he was one? I think my prof was kind of disappointed with me that I didn't put in my lecture that Straussians were taking over the government... That guy is strange (kind of glad I don't work for him now). He also called the other prof I spoke of earlier and I Straussians... That really made me laugh. I had thought of how damned ignorant this man was, and he was a prof. I had guessed awhile back that Phd. doesn't give you intelligence, but damn!

Okay, kind of off the point. Since I have no outline to go by when I type on this thing I tend to forget the point. You can imagine how I ramble on in my papers. Yes, well. Use the links if you don't know what I am rambling about. Other than that, I'll write later.

For now, I need to escape...

Quote from Strauss

By virtue of his rationality, man has a latitude of alternatives such as no other earthly being has. The sense of this latitude, of this freedom, is accompanied by a sense that the full and unrestrained exercise of that freedom is not right. Man's freedom is accompanied by a sacred awe, by a kind of divination that not everything is permitted. We may call this awe-inspired fear "man's natural conscience." Restraint is therefore as natural or as primeval as freedom. As long as man has not cultivated his reason properly, he will have all sorts of fantastic notions as to the limits set to his freedom; he will elaborate absurd taboos. But what prompts the savages in their savage doings is not savagery but the divination of right.

- from Natural Right and History by Leo Strauss

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

How does this one sound?

Now I find myself in a predicament:

1. I have no job

2. I have a speeding ticket

3. I have 5 incompletes (I know, I'm a lazy idiot)

4. I have a new guy that I am interested in who wants me to go up to Virginia with him for a week (that one is cool).

5. My parents said no trip till the incompletes are out of the way and I have an idea of what I am doing for work (Yeah, like that is possible by Friday.)

Hmm... What to do? Well, I've already agreed to the trip. I should be going on Friday. He flies in tomorrow. I have to figure out what to do about the speeding ticket... I want a way of putting it off. I mean, I have no money. What else can I do? I don't care to have a warrent out for my arrest. With my luck I'd get pulled over in the middle of the night with a couple of drinks already in me and accomplish getting a DWI at the same time as I am arrested for that warrent. Doesn't sound too pleasant.

Jess's idea was to work on the incompletes on the way there. That is one hell of a drive. I might go for that one... See if my parents go for it. I don't know how thrilled they are on me going on this trip with a navy guy that I've dated only a couple of times. I told them about it, I just don't think they realized how soon this trip is. Maybe my dad will like him. My dad was in the navy and my grandfather was in the navy. That could be wishful thinking though... Na, I'm sure he'll like him. My parents are going to see him before hand. I drive through College Station on the way anyways, might as well stop in Brenham. I think it'd be better for them to meet him so they don't think I'm traveling with a lunatic or some abusive asshole or something of the sort. Well, at least my mom wants to meet him.

So... Try to put off the ticket tomorrow morning. Pick him up with Jess in the afternoon. Take off on Friday. Say 'what up?' to my parents on the way. Take all books and such with me and attempt to finish as much as possible. Then promise to get a job once I'm back?

How does that sound? Shit, I'm trying my best with this one.

Well, one way or another I will keep you informed. Till then I am going to go back to a take home exam... Or I will talk to Arthur. Arthur seems to know much of international politics anyway...


Barber's version of Romeo and Juliet

I just came across this article in the endless amount of paper and books which is my room... It is funny! I was torn between putting up the section on the conversation between Hitler and Bruce Ackerman or this... This just seemed more appropriate for some reason. It makes me laugh:

Juliet: Romeo! In your frivolous flattery, you pay my serious side no attention.

Romeo: I am a slave to your every side- no joint moves but that I pay it heed.

Juliet: Then pay heed to this: our families will rule in concert, each as good as the other, neither privileged. So shall we make a fair division of Verona's ample grain stores.

Romeo: Leave the grain to those who harvest it: for us shall love suffice.

Juliet: Romeo!

Romeo: Ah, sweet maiden, my name on thy lips turns dry leaves to the most delicate incense. Say it again.

Juliet: There's no time for caresses, my panting swain, we have a decision to reach. Oh! That is my hand.

Romeo: Your hand? I could have sworn it was a lark alighting in my palm. Oh sweet, sweet Juliet.

Juliet: Oh Romeo, you rob me of my reason. My treasured neutrality flies. How can I strike a bargain with all my faculties awry?

Romeo: Then bargains be damned, my sweet, and honor to unreason let us marry forthwith; and that precious bargain shall supersede every other our careless families have made and broken.

Juliet: In earnest? Marry you?

Romeo: In earnest; in madness; in vain- I care not how, but marry me you must!

Juliet: Dare we dearest? Could we truly marry though but moments ago we were locked in the cinfines of heartless neutral dialogue? That loveless discourse of the lonely and the vain?

Romeo: I love you, dear Juliet.

Juliet: Oh reckless suitor! to think but for love we would still be bargainers in a cognitive proceeding.

Romeo: "Cognitive proceeding"- say it once more; its savory vowels give to your mouth the perfection of "O."

Juliet: Cognitive proceeding, cognitive proceeding, cognitive... Oh! Romeo, thy hand strays.

(section from "Unconstrained Conversations: A Play on Words, Neutral and Otherwise" by Benjamin R. Barber, in Ethics, Vol.93, No.2 (Jan., 1983). 330-347.)

Monday, May 16, 2005

A little quiz to pass on

I got this one from Anastasia:
3 names you go by
1. Ellen
2. El
3. Elley

3 screen names you have had
1. El
2. Ln
3. Lasha

3 physical things you like about yourself
1. my eyes
2. my skin
3. my breasts

3 physical things you don't like about yourself
1. my arms
2. my neck
3. my hands

3 parts of your heritage
1. Austrian
2. Irish
3. Welsh

3 things you are wearing right now
1. t shirt
2. shorts
3. glasses

3 Favorite bands/Musical artists
1. Trent Reznor
2. Paul McCartney
3. Fiona Apple

3 favorite songs
1. Only Time
2. Moonlight Sonata
3. Soul to Squeeze

3 things you want in a relationship
1. respect
2. no lies
3. fun

3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you
1. eyes that appeal to me (no specific color)
2. long hair
3. tall and thin

3 of your favorite hobbies
1. drawing
2. reading
3. photography

3 things you want to do really badly right now
1. Go home (I'm in Brenham)
2. Its kinda personal
3. Eat

3 things that scare you
1. drowning
2. mirrors
3. flying insects

3 of your everday essentials
1. caffeine
2. a computer
3. my cellphone

3 careers you have considered/are considering
1. teacher/prof
2. political cartoonist
3. news or magazine editor

3 places you want to go on vacation
1. Chicago
2. Paris
3. San Francisco

3 kids names you like
1. Jasmine
2. Sarah
3. Alex

3 things you wanna do before you die
1. travel (to as many places as possible, just as long as I can have a toilet and a way to shower I'm okay)
2. marry (yeah, being alone doesn't seem like a good idea)
3. publish (what, I don't know)

3 ways you are stereotypically a boy
1. I wear worn out shoes and go around in t-shirt and jeans
2. I like computer games and anime
3. The way I present myself (Always been a tomboy)

3 ways you are stereotypically a chick
1. I collect dolls and unicorns
2. I'm boy crazy
3. I like to shop with my girlfriends

3 celeb crushes
1. Johnny Depp
2. Trent Reznor
3. Christian Slater

3 people I would like to see take this quiz now
Anyone who would like to:)

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Matt and I

Matt and I
Posted by: lndavis.
This is me and my bro when I graduated from Texas State back in 2003.


Posted by: lndavis.
My favorite scene from Trigun! I love Vash:)

Friday, May 13, 2005

On to Arkansas

Since I didn't do too well this semester my mother has effectively guilt-tripped me into driving to Arkansas for one of my cousin's graduation. Ah, It could be worse. There is good news too, I didn't fail out of grad school! Yes! My profs kick ass!

Yes, I didn't fail, but I have more incompletes than I thought possible to have at one time. Hmm... Maybe I can hold off the real world for a little longer... Or maybe not. I haven't decided on that one yet.

That is the question: Do I finish the incompletes and continue on with school? or do I finish the incompletes and see what other job I can get? Well, I'm thinking that no place would want me and even if I didn't want to go back I would end up doing so anyway just from having nothing else to do. 18hrs of graduate work and its a 30 something hr masters...

Well, my mom is ready to go. I will write later!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

So, what do I do now?

What a couple of past... weeks, days? Time has escaped me.

All I know is that I have set myself up to do something that I didn't think I would do for years to come... Get a real job. Yes, it seems that I have had a slight screw up this semester. Don't feel like saying more on that till I get a response from a couple of profs. Still I have my solution, leave grad school for now. What else am I going to do? Hell if I know, I've been escaping this "real" world for a long time. It is scary thinking of anthing outside of what I do now, but I need something else for a time. I need to get the hell out of San Marcos.

But for right now I need to go back to sleep. I have had so little sleep...

I told my parents and they have told me to come home. So I will sleep and then drive on to the lovely town of Brenham, Texas.

Don't know what else to say.

I'll write again later:)

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Bullshitting on Happiness

I woke up at about 11am.

I finished a paper and passed out last night. Damn, I hate when I sleep in. I seem to keep messing stuff up with school. Ah, my profs are cool though. I think everything will be okay.

I turned in a shitty paper. That is one thing I hate doing as a perfectionist in that area... But I did it last night.

Oh well, why am I writing here.


I am still sleepy....

Bullshitting on Happiness for a day in writing takes alot out of you. Though I'm more of a fan of Aquinas's understanding of Happiness rather than Aristotle's. Here it is:

You live this life according to prudence and wisdom and 'all that' and then you realize that you are going to die. According to Aristotle that is when you have that Happiness... When you die. I think that would depress me more than make me happy. Where is the Happiness? Is it what you leave behind? Well, what reason would the dieing care to leave anything behind. All relations are dependent on self-love. Ultimatly, to Aristotle, you will never even have any friendship that is not for your own benifit. What benifit could they give as you pass into nothingness? It seems that the dieing man would be very selfish in that sense. Doing anything for the community would mean nothing to you when you pass into non-existence. It isn't like the memory of you would live on much longer anyway... Unless we are talking of Aristotle or Socrates here. The point is, all you have is that moment of seeing nothing but the past (since there is no future) and then you pass on. Maybe it is that you think of how damned cool you are that second...

I don't know. It seems to me that once 'hope' disappears then there will be nothing to give Happiness. That is why I love Aristotle, but I think that Aquinas kicks ass. In that moment of death you may still have that moment of reflection, but even at that you still have the hope of moving on. Doesn't that make more sense?

Or can Happiness be in a moment without the existence of hope? The Christian side of me hates that idea. It seems to me that a person would die in dispare...

Man, this is fun! I love writing philosophy so informally! I don't even have to give a shit about my spelling:)

I think that my profs would be annoyed with me if I wrote in that way:

"So this is why Thomas is cooler than Aristotle..."

Yeah, I've wasted enough time.

Later people!

Monday, May 09, 2005

A little distraction

Hey guys.

Thought I should put something different since I don't think its too cool having a post of me pissed off at the top of my page. So. Lets see....

Yeah, I am between writing on three papers. Two are related so its cool. I called off work tommarow. Probably won't sleep...

This isn't sounding much better is it? Hmm... I know!

Johnny Depp
My favorite actor, Johnny Depp!(where this came from)

And a picture from my favorite anime(Trigun)... didn't want to look too long, but this one is alright.

vash and wolfwood
Vash and Wolfwood... At least it has cross punisher! Yeah, I'm a dork. Anyone else like them? Or is it just me:)

Now back to writing on sin! Ha, ha!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Read if you give a shit

I am going away until I finish my shit.

I have had too many damned distractions and I know that several of them are my fault. I 'm fucking shaking in anger, anxious as all hell because I don't know if I'm going to fucking pass this semester. I found out that my best friend is pissed at me via blog(Arthur did text me to tell me to look because I was busy, HE DIDN'T TELL ME TO FUCKING CALL!).

Okay, I'm going to have a fucking nervous break down and I know that no one really cares since the only person who would is pissed. So just to let you know I'm not at home after this and my phone is off!

So I am gone for now.

Friday, May 06, 2005

With Teeth

Must buy new Nine Inch Nails! It kicks serious ass!

With Teeth(halo_19)
by Nine Inch Nails

I have it on repeat as I work! I had not bought a cd in a while, but I couldn't resist:) Their stuff is always great!

Okay, back to work... Laters!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Well, well, well... "So there I was..."

Have you ever met someone that from only knowing them for a short time they constantly amaze you to the point that you hardly believe that they can be real. That you can't seem to find a single thing wrong with them even when they have the worst singing voice and seem to love nothing more than singing... It fits them perfectly nonetheless. You wouldn't want it to change for the world. They can't seem to do anything wrong, at least in your eyes.

But then you just met this person. You have to be a realistic. You can't fall for someone without really knowing them... You can't fall for someone without having experience with them. No one wants to be hurt. But then there seems to be no fault. The person can pick the perfect gifts for you as if they've known you for years, and talks to you as if they always know perfectly what to say. How can it be possible?

I've just had one of the craziest experiences in my life, and I don't know what to think of it. I met someone and all I know is that he has had a major impact on me for the short time that I've known him. Hell, I even feel like letting everyone know. I've told my parents about him. I just can't get him out of my mind.... and it is finals week!!! Its not like I see him at all either. I've seen him only a few times. The first time I met him he told me that he was going off to Iraq within the next couple of days. He told me a bunch of crazy stories and his theory on women(by the way I got the theory's name wrong, but it will be in his new book anyway), and I simply thought the guy was odd. He got my interest though. He didn't buy me a drink and he didn't get my number, but I remember walking out of the bar thinking that he was cool and I was kind of sad that I wouldn't see him again. But what did it matter; it was just another interesting experience, right?

I ran into him a few days later. His deployment happened to be pushed back a week. I didn't know what to think then, but I couldn't stop talking to the guy. He respected me, he showed me a good time and he evidently won Jess's approval. Strangely enough that was the most important part. Its like I trust her judgement on people more than my own. Okay, I can think of another person that comes to my blog every once and awhile that might have noticed from me introducing her to them that this is true. Its like if she doesn't like someone, then there is always something wrong with them. But she liked the guy, and so I gave him a chance.

Now he's in a different part of the country about to go off to war. Am I crazy for talking to him? Am I crazy for feeling like this? I don't know. I won't use the "L" word because I'm not insane and I'm scared shitless of it. But I can say that I feel like I've been thrown into some sappy romance novel and I've always thought those stories were full of shit.

I'm also writing this knowing that he will read it later, but it doesn't matter. Whatever I do, whatever I say, its as if he already knows me.

Hmm... What have I got myself into. Whatever it is, it has been nothing but fun so far. Just thought I'd let everyone know. Hope I don't embaress him too much by writing this post. Ah, that is what this is for though. Its my journal. I haven't put anything too personal. I write about what is important to me:) Right now, I'm figuring out what to think of him. Not that I really need to now. I have work to do and he won't be back till November. I love how life does things like this to me.

Later everybody:)

(Quote in the title is from Arthur. Yep, that's the guy)

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Peter Pan

Writing a paper and came over an interesting news writer, Peter Enahoro/Peter Pan(link to 'How to be a Nigerian'). It shows him as having been a popular writer, but I've honestly never read too much on Nigeria before this semester.

"Immediatly you think, as a leader, that you are special, from that very minute you have lost your place in the hearts of the people. The leader in a republic is not a special man. He, like all his fellowmen, is a plebian. All he has which the others have not got, is a special opportunity for a unique service. If that leader is any good he will continue to identify himself with the tears and laughters of the people.
"His fingers he must keep on the public pulse all the time. Once he breaks this contact and takes to his ivory tower and flanks himself with wine, women and song and, probably, too, with an armoury- as did a few of our erstwhile rulers- from that moment he becomes a misfit"( Peter Pan's 'Letters to a grandchild'- Daily Times 1966).

Hmm... back to work:)

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

These are from Saturday

Okay, I'm really getting annoyed with buzznet and blogger right now. I want to put these up though...

Let's see if this works. Here is Isilda, Jess and I at the Flying Saucer on Saturday:


Now here's Josh a.k.a. Little Bitch cutting my cake:


The next one is for Arthur, you said you wanted a picture of me with Jess's present on. Well, here ya go:


Yes, that is me looking like a dumbass with a thong around my head, for all those that can't tell what that is. Here is another one that I seem to be holding the thong like a sling shot(for some reason I have a retarded look on my face... I'm trying not to be picky):


This next one I'm at Pat O'Brians...


Here's Jess and Mike... I got many pics of them:


I love this one! I think it is sooo funny:


Here's two more of me(since this is the rare occasion that I actually have so many of me). These were actually taken right after I told off the Little Bitch at Swigs. They both seem funny to me. In the second one I don't know if I'm pissed or seducing the camera... whatever:



Okay, that's it. Now I can go back to writing... or take a nap.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Me and my cake

Me and my cake
Posted by: lndavis.
This is at the Flying Saucer:)

Pictures will be up later:)

This weekend was nuts. Drama... Oh, do I hate it. So I get it on my birthday.

Lets see if I can do this quickly. Friday night was awsome. It was Jess, Bridget(a friend that is starting Texas State next semester) and I hanging out. A band dedicated a whole set to me... Greg is nice(the lead singer). Then Saturday I spent most of the day on the phone sitting around in my pajamas... not usual for me really. Then went out to Flying Saucer in San Antonio... I have pictures. Then ended the night not being able to escape Pat O'Brians, Jess and the driver getting into a fight in the car pulled over to the side of the highway and me leaving all my stuff in the little bitch's car. So I spent all of yesterday in San Antonio, not getting my stuff back till midnight, and getting my first speeding ticket going 75 mph on 1604... I go 75 mph on the highway all the time.

Okay, that is the short version. Now I am going to go back to working. I have no idea how I'll get all my shit done, but it must be done... or no more grad school for me. And that is not an option. Pictures will be up later for both Jess and I. That's about it.

So... Later.