Tuesday, July 19, 2011

OCD list

List of compulsions and obsessions:


Thoughts of harming self
Thoughts of lying to others
Thoughts about particular movie I haven't seen (I know weird)
Obsessed about perfection
Obsessed about loosing things
Obsessed about peeing on self at night


Drawing on self
Counting posts when riding in car
touching and scratching arms
Countering bad thoughts
Expressing how I'm not lying
Going to the bathroom when I don't need to
Wearing pants at night
Having light in the room (bunch of bedtime stuff)
Looking up OCD

That is what I can think of off the top of my head.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Drawing OCD and images in my head

I just finished drawing, nothing really good since its been awhile. Drawing is not easy with a one year old. I had to get an image out of my head. It was of a woman that was painted all in white with black stripes. She has a plain expression on her face. She blankly stares back at everyone with her stripes and shaved head to be seen by everyone, but she doesn't stand proudly. She crouches in holding her knees in close to her. As those usually do if there is a problem.

I didn't quite draw that woman,probably because I am on sleep medication and am not quite functioning correctly tonight. I am having some insomnia though. This woman is a representation of OCD for me I believe. I keep seeing her and I made it up in my head, I know. That is how I interpret everything, with these images. They don't always come to paper exactly as I want. But I can create art that makes you wonder. I know that much. From my past fascination with Tarot and anime strangely enough. I revert back to my anime style every once in awhile.

Maybe I should train my hand and I would be good, but what would be the fun in that:) It is much more fun picking up things as you go and not having the seriousness of other artists. Frankly I don't usually call my art as such with others because it seems almost an insult to think I could. So no problem to me, I let my art stand to the side. It isn't all appropriate for home work anyway. Its mainly the joy in creating it and getting it out of my head. I wish I could think of music like I think of art, but God gives us these gifts. We don't choose them.

Well, my eyes are going out on me. Literally going out of focus greatly. So goodnight. Maybe I'll feel better even if the exact image isn't out there.

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I read somewhere that stating that you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is one of the most difficult things to make public; like coming out of closet so to speak. That may not be understood by those who don't have it, but there is such shame that comes with it that it is hard to tell out in the open. I know this because I have it.

This is something that I have denied to myself for years but recently come to grips with it because I really had to. If I didn't then I would have remained trapped in my house with my anxieties. I didn't want that at all. I've been on medication for about a month now and feel better than I have in years.

It is strange thing to have and very hard to explain. When I first tell people that they usually don't believe me; or maybe that is a fear I have. The reason I have no compulsions that are really noticeable to anyone but my husband, who I have to say is very good about the whole thing. It gets bad enough where I hardly leave my bed from obsessions at times. I don't want to be around people because I'm afraid they will see it; which is ridiculous really. It isn't a very logical mental illness though.

I wish I could explain it better for those who may come across this. Maybe I will think of something better on this later. I feel better stating this even if it is on a website that I am sure not many read. But hey, I've told so few people this is a start.