Dreams of Children

I've been having the craziest dreams since I was little since being pregnant. Recently they've been more focused on the coming baby, which I don't mind. I dreamed that I was at the ultrasound and shouted out that it was a boy before the doctor could say anything. Then I dreamed of breast feeding. I've also had the nightmares that I know really have no place, but they are a reflection of inadequate sleep. I've done little to interpret dreams recently. Just seems to be a waste of time. Its just strange that the first time I've dreamed of having children. I've dreamed in one having a girl and boy close in age and being with them at Christmas. They seemed still not more than elementary school age. The little girl with tight curls, which is very possible with my husband's genes. And the little boy kind of reminded me of my brother when he was little. It is strange thinking that this is my last holiday season where I will not be a mother. My parents want me to travel, but part of me just wants to spend this one alone with my husband. How many more moments will I have of that? I'm realistic in that sense. But, I am pretty sure my family and his family would be offended by that. Now I am packing for our little move to a bigger place in town, and listening to Christmas music. But week 16 has been uneventful one as for pregnancy, other than at times I do wish I could take my allergy medication. Nothing to do for sinus headaches... Now I need to get back to packing.

Update at Week 15

Pregnancy isn't quite what I expected, but honestly I was obsessed with the opportunity of becoming pregnant that I didn't think too much on being pregnant. So I don't think I had many expectations. Now having a baby is very real, more so than it ever has been in my life. Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks pregnant and right around Thanksgiving I can find out the sex of the baby, if I want. We are moving to a different house, which we put off several times previously. When it came to caring for another new life, we wanted better for them and we didn't feel secure in this house.

So I made it through the first trimester and honestly it is a haze by this point. Weeks and I think months actually, of being sick. Morning sickness sucks, and that isn't even all of it. I stayed in the house all the time. I posted earlier it was because of the swine flu, but it was because I didn't feel like moving most of the time. You realize that the world stinks and wonder how you ever deal with these smells regularly. The only part I was lucky on is that I didn't puke; no I put on weight. I was nauseous if I didn't eat, and so I ate all the time. I was thinking by the end of that stage, why would anyone want to be pregnant? And how does anyone work through that? I couldn't.

Now I'm in my second trimester. My little one must have been through a growth spurt at the very first of it because my hips hurt all the time at first. My joints still pop all the time. I may just be lucky today, because it isn't bothering much today. My stomach grew out and I felt my skin stretch. Now I look pregnant. No pictures though. I'm not much for putting up photos anymore. I don't take them that much in general though.

Now it does seem that we'll be preparing for the baby till the day he/she comes. I don't want to be thrown off guard last minute. I don't understand why anyone would choose to wait till last minute. My goal was to at least wait through the first trimester. Now, I don't want to bother at least till I move. Then its time to prepare the baby's room. I don't know how I am going to be at the last part of the pregnancy. I am at risk for preeclampsia, and I know that can cause problems at the end of your pregnancy. The day before I found out I was pregnant I had a flash in a dream that I was on a hospital bed and I was looking at my stomach exposed and huge. A doctor told me I was going to need a C-section and I was terrified. The entire labor process is rather scary since I've never been through it before. A C-section is major surgery and I definitely don't want that to happen. I know sometimes you can't prevent it though.

Well, till I feel like writing again!

Little Barnabus

Here's our little baby when I was at 12 weeks during the pregnancy. We went to the ultrasound for the type that can tell if they may have down syndrome or any other chromosomal abnormalities. This little one was snug and didn't want to move. They couldn't get the reading from what seemed like half an hour. They would push and poke at my belly and the little one would squirm and kick and then rest in the same spot. They finally found a way to get around moving the stubborn little baby/fetus, whatever. I found the entire experience amusing. The baby had a healthy heart beat and seemed perfectly fine to me, so I didn't worry of anything else. Maybe that was naive of me, but I am not ignorant of down syndrome and know what it would take. It didn't phase me in the least, because I was still watching my child.

Well, the baby is fine. Low chances of any problems. Now I just have to stay indoors most of the time because everyone is afraid of me getting the swine flu. No vaccines available for even pregnant women in any county near us in South Florida. Man has our health department failed in timely production. Those in most risk of dying can't even access the vaccine and in Palm Beach they said they distributed the shots to 80 doctors in the area, but don't say which ones for those who need them. Great mismanagement and in the news they only seem to publish how people are afraid to get the shot rather than not being able to, or possibly they could publish where to get the shots rather than directing you to a government site that doesn't say where the shots are either. I would get it in a minute if I could. I just want to protect my family that is growing at this time.

Nothing else new. Now I am into the second trimester and I am still having a few bouts of nausea and I could not get myself out of bed this morning at all. But, nothing too big that I can't handle. I am just lucky that I am not restricted to a work schedule. Don't know the sex yet, but the name above is just what me and my husband started telling everyone its name is. No one seems to like it, funny. Well, till we figure out the sex does it really matter?

Pregnancy

I wanted to wait to write on here till I announced my pregnancy to everyone in my personal life. Now I believe that is done, on with the blog. All I have been thinking of is the life that is to come next year. I am in my first trimester of pregnancy, almost to the second. I announced to everyone because I just started to show. Face it, once you start showing it is kinda hard to hide.

So here it is I've been suffering from morning sickness and other unpleasant pregnancy symptoms for the past few weeks. All is forgiven when I see the little one on ultrasound. I have the pictures up in my house and I know I'll have another in another few weeks. I think I'll be able to tell the sex by then.

This is the furthest I've ever gone into a pregnancy with no problems and this was done completely naturally! After doctors told me that was not possible. It is true, if you have PCOS, before going the meds route do try weight loss. I had lost 35 pounds and it happened! I have little risk for multiples and less risk for diabetes as well because I just tried to loose some pounds first.

Well, I am back. It is hard to do regular posts when pregnancy is the only thing on the brain. It is a wonderful thing.

Nothing new for awhile. I have my reasons. I may not update till October or November. Till then!

First Amendment Protection

I did a paper on Pornography and the First Amendment when I was in political theory in another life. I was thinking even then, that I could not absolutely put pornography as something that should not be protected even if I found it offensive. Though also in many situations there is proof that certain porn can cause further harm to women from men who are desensitized by hard core porn. It can bring out everything horrible about human nature and now it is all over the internet. There are also many people who dedicate their life against porn and those who spend their life working for it. The entire thing really did disgust me in the end, and I decided that I could not find anything criminal in the actions. True, if there are actual criminal actions taken place in filming then that is one thing, but that actual creation is in a sense creative thought which some enjoy and others hate. It is an expression, it is something that is to be protected.

That is something beautiful about this country which many do not follow in others, that all speech is protected. You can yell about how horrible our leader is and have no arrest record. You can express your belief that all people should live on a commune and worship the earth... Basically it doesn't matter, the speech is allowed. With this what confuses me is the mention of "hate speech". I believe that is speech aimed hurtfully at certain groups. I know that some countries do outlaw such speech and I know there are some that wish to do that here.

To me with speech and expression there will always be those offended and those who will not be. I notice that in day to day life. Where as I may be offended by attacks on the Catholic Church, others may find those supporting the Catholic Church offensive because of their stances on many issues that are not popular today. So initially, doesn't it come down to what is popular? Now I know that many views that I have are unpopular, though I am a rational person. I think I can be more rational than most I meet I have to admit. So when I speak things through in full explanation sometimes I don't really get a great response. Explaining political beliefs and religious beliefs tends to leave people on one side or another, when will you know that what is popular ends up being against what you believe? Now things can be offensive, and I wish not everyone did express those things openly. But who do you trust to decide what is offensive and what is not? Would you trust the government at this point? I can tell you that with mess that we have made, I would not. I wouldn't trust most of them to watch my house and I can't believe they are watching over our constitution.

Just look at the people that are in charge of our country before you give them more power. Read over their past and read over their views. You are not giving authority to your local priest and it is not made by you and your friends. Power is given to the people we elect into office. Plus if you find them offensive, write back, speak back or do something. There is nothing in our constitution that doesn't say that you can't overpower ignorance with reason. What I don't want to see if taking the approach of trying to shut down a medium or a show for its political views. If you think it is wrong, then voice your opinions! We are in a free country! Don't support our government shutting down any medium due to speech!

I was just reading about cutting off of advertisers to Glenn Beck. I was thinking of what cowards the people are who took action to shut down the show through a "back door approach". The show still has plenty of viewers and it is popular. If you wish to attack it then do what you can to pursue the viewers in swaying views of the people. Don't try to take away through bullying of force. It really is cowardly.

Well, didn't really mean to write about that. I just saw nothing posted and then read something on the Huffington Post. Yep, I read everything:)

Good Night.

Considering International Adoption

I was looking at international adoption for the first time. Since my infertility problems I am not giving up, but being realistic. It may be years before I even have one baby, if I have one at all. I am in the later part of my twenties and fertility does decline once you reach your thirties... That cannot be good for me one way or another. There is a possibility of me getting pregnant. I am loosing weight and actively trying still, but again, reality sets in at some point... It was three years for me.

I was watching a news story about orphans in South Africa. I can't seem to find it at this time. But I was thinking of the situation these other children are in, in orphanages overseas. Then I think of the situation of my own upbringing and just having the opportunity of being an American opens many more doors than they would not have in their country of origin. Think of those in Haiti. No matter what, they will never even have the opportunity that the poor here have in the US. This is a country close to our shores and they go on little boats risking their life to make it to our shores all the time. I see this on the news here in South Florida. They wouldn't do that if their country had so much for them there.

So what you could give to these children is so much. So, that is what I am basing where I adopt. I want to be able to have a family, and give another an opportunity of a good life. Though I have to say it is hard to find programs for South Africa, and Haiti has a restriction of being 30 years old. So, I am not sure where to go.

On almost all you tube videos and new stories about these international adoptions I see criticism of "why would you not want to adopt American children?", "There are plenty of babies here that need homes." Well, I don't know others' reasons, but I can provide my own. I am afraid of open adoptions and even with closed adoptions, the courts influence on families here in the US. I fear of gaining the love of a child and having it ripped from me because some natural relative of the child felt that the child should be theirs. I know that I couldn't take that, and so have closed off to the idea of domestic adoption. Also, the costs equal out if you end up having to pay for all medical costs and everything involved in supporting a mother here in the US.

Well, seeing the "Door of Hope" or whatever the door was called in the South Africa orphanage is what made me think of it. So now I'm in the process of searching out different agencies. My mother is a social worker that has worked with the different agencies before and is familiar with home studies, so I am using her as well right now. Any information left on international adoption would be much appreciated. I know if I do go forward with this it will still be a year or so off, but it is as good of a time as any to learn about it.

I am really ready to have a family. I have been for awhile. I realized that was what was more important. The baby doesn't necessarily have to come from my husband and I.

What do I get from watching the news?

Remember when you would go to the 24 hr news channels and they would all be showing the same thing? Well, I can say for once, I did not have that happen. I'm not a huge fan of daytime TV, so flipped between Fox News and CNN today because I was working at home. One was 24/7 on the town hall meetings and the other was all Obama's trip to Mexico. I flipped to CNN knowing they wouldn't be showing anything similar to Fox, which I realized that is probably the first time I expected the news agencies to be showing completely different news.

Is this a good thing? I am not sure. It is definitely interesting. I think of myself as being a realist when it comes to the world situations. I prefer to think that one way or another things will stay in this kind of status quo, because primarily people for the most part do not want to get involved. I spend most of my life focused on running my business, taking care of the dog, making sure the house is okay, and then if I have time I pay attention to the outside world. I assume, unless you have a ton of time on your hands, a majority of Americans are about the same. I mean, most protesters in the past have been liberal college students from what I've seen. And why? Because they have time. Now for this reason you usually have the few protesters or causing disruptions and most other politics is just for those who have real direct connection to politics.

So here is what we have. It is reported we are having many interruptions in town hall meetings across the country from people asking questions in town hall meetings across the country about our health care system. At least, that is what is reported on Fox News. On other news, still stuff on Micheal Jackson, on other news evidently there are problems with women having too many babies. Now what I see is a major gap between the types of stories. I have been tempted to think that Fox is still the most fair and balanced, but I also know that Fox News carries all of the star conservatives on their show. Not that I complain, Glenn Beck is one of my favorite shows. I just have trouble with the drastic difference of what I am hearing and I do know there is a bias there as well. My parents were upset when I was watching Glenn Beck when they were here. They looked at me and told me, "this isn't news!" My response is, I know, its opinion, but what is wrong with that? They watch John Stewart. I don't think that guy is funny at all.

So where do we get the news? Where is what is actually happening? Is that even possible to achieve? That, I do not know. I got out of journalism awhile back because I didn't see it being achieved. Journalists, a majority of them, have a bias one way or another and they pick their story lines that way. I read a story this morning on how these kids were getting married so young, and they were 22 and having kids. I thought to myself, when did that become a young age to be married? I was married at 23 and wanted children... oh, about at the same time. I didn't think I was young for that. People get married at 18 all the time. I was a college graduate even! Well, to that author, it was a notion that seemed foreign to her. So, she felt compelled to report it. So, I guess it is a lost cause.

I just really wish it wasn't. Because to me it appears many people are upset and the government are ignoring them. Oh, and I have to put this in because of a recent notice from the White House blog. If you do not wish to go to single player policy then why are you introducing a government option? There is no such thing as having a government option health care and keeping open competition at the same time. For one, the tax payers will have to pay for this option WHILE paying for their own insurance. So one will be constantly subsidized while the others remain in open competition. Which one do you think will win then? I know as I small business owner that I want health insurance as soon as I can provide. I mean, it is intensive which most employees expect, especially in the sector that I'm in. But if you mandate this, it can be a major burden for those who cannot afford it. Lets say that there are further taxes on the employer while using private insurance? Well, the more that is taxed, the less I have for payroll, and that is that. Economics is really rather simple when you pay attention to it. And to me it does appear that there is a bias towards a single payer system, but politicians are lying about it because of the upset right now from many on what this means. If you only have one to choose from, there's no escape to another insurance policy. If something isn't covered, that is that.

Enough, goodnight.

Writing

"Armon said one boy, and here are two."

Guess what I'm watching? Give you a clue, they are moving a Comodo Dragon.

I've spent the night reading through past entries. This seems to cover mostly the time since I met Arthur. I was really into blogging pretty quickly after I started. I picked it up from a friend from College Station and then convinced others to pick it up as well along the way. Though it seems everyone else has dropped blogging. I have to admit it takes a little more writing skills than regular social network sites that have taken over.

I stopped giving this out to people along time ago. I've only given this web address to one friend that I hadn't spoken with since middle school, to give her an idea of what to do with her ideas. What she could use as an outlet to write. That seems to be important. To have an outlet.

That was something very important in certain times in my life. I have a very addictive personality and I grew up in a home that did not shy away from alcohol to say the least. My family is extremely liberal; I mean almost to the communist extreme. That fact still seems odd to me the further I learn in the running of societies. From my upbringing, I had some bad experiences. The further I go along, I blame myself for putting myself in those situations. I also blame a society that puts women on the same level of men in that they can take care of themselves, and move out on their own at a young age. I dealt with all problem that a naive little girl comes across in dealing with the real world, and I came out a realist I guess.

Through all of this though, it was important to have something there to put my thoughts. I don't know how many times I found myself in tears writing or on the verge of a breakdown. Strangely enough though... No, not strangely enough, I haven't had to deal with those in the past few years. God guides me away from those now, thankfully. If you don't put yourself in horrible situations, then life is easier. Also, its not boring. I may not have a new topic to write on every day, but mainly its because not everything of your personal life is to be published to the public every day.

I am aware that my readership dropped awhile back and I haven't done much to bring it back up. I dropped this for about six months. All the people that I commented on their blogs stopped, and I didn't seek out new blogs. Not much time really. I still love this though. No plan to drop it. Every thought of deleting this disappears when I see the posts in April 2005 when I met Arthur. I smile reading them; its almost as if a different person wrote them. I know it was me. That person seemed a little bit more amusing though.

Well, till next time.

Post on nothing, because I'm a little disoriented

Why would I do this optionally? I've been working for the past 5 days straight. I think I made it home around nine last night to finish working around eleven. Then made it into work about eight AM this morning, finally finished at 3 PM. Before this I had a proposal for my own business. It was in production at the time I started working on the second. I had just finished pricing the day before.

You know what, its great! I love the adrenaline and the people I worked with. I was in a better mood the past few days than I had been in awhile, and I haven't even felt that great physically. I swear I'm a masochist with my work habits, but I've always worked that way... Everything rushed at one time. I'm horrible at procrastination and it would force me to rush last minute.

Well, I guess it is good I enjoy it. Once I win contracts on my own I will be running this stuff continuously. Now I am just in a waiting pattern. I went to help my husband at work because I could and he asked. I use to work there and I enjoyed it when I was there. I have no ill will towards the company at all. In fact I could see doing it, but I would be sad abandoning what I have.

Well, I'm completely out of it now. I need to walk. I got home to late to do it yesterday. My husband in passed out on the couch. I should go.... Just quick update. With all I've written I'm not sure if I actually said anything.

Till next time.

Amazing Grace

by Englishman John Newton
(1725-1807)

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Charity

I never truly understood the virtue of charity till reading St. Thomas Aquinas writings on virtues. The three special virtues are hope, faith and charity. As in the quote before this post, charity is above them all. Charity is a representation of God's love among ourselves. It is difficult to find a single quote to represent this. I have been trying for the past couple of hours. Basically, it is providing our love to our brothers and sisters specifically for love of God. It is an understanding of what God gave to us, and an appreciation of it. God loved us so much; he gave us free will to make our own mistakes. God loved us so much that he gave his Son for sacrifice. To me it seems the ultimate goal is to provide love to our fellow man as God has done for us; though as difficult as it may be.

Think of Luke 15:11-32, the story of the Prodigal Son. The father provided the share to his son as requested and even as he went off to live a life of sin, he welcomed him back with open arms. There was no punishment and no standards placed on the son when he returned; the father accepted his son with open arms. This is the love we are to provide to each other.

Think of the story of the master who provided money for his servants. The one who buried the money was the one who was punished. That is the way we should be towards the word of God and with our faith. Regardless of how much faith and hope you have, there will always be the question when your time comes of what you have done for the least of my brethren?

That is something I think of. Not fearing the persecution of spreading your faith. Not fearing of what happens when you do so as well. You can't save everyone and you can't help everyone no matter how much you try. How do you tell if your charity is being misused? I figured out that is where the use of prayer is most important. I don't believe I've provided much reason in my past to be given opportunity. I had a definite wild side to me, but God did open up to me and I have the faith I do today. But now that you have your gift, what do you do with it? I personally think to take it day by day. I am not one to seek out a thousand charities or to spend my time in volunteer. I do blame most of that on my anxiety. But, I do try to help when the opportunity arises. I have to admit others are better than me though, and that is the reason I am writing on charity. To think of giving without the expectation of return. To think of giving simply for your love of everyone as we are all children of God. When you've been hurt by many, sometimes it takes awhile for your heart to be open to others. Though my wish and my prayer is for the souls of my family especially. I guess everyone is a bit off, and it is conceded of me to think I'm on a better path than others. But I do. I see the path of Jesus and the path of a Christian and I do not see everyone on it. That makes me worry for the ones I love.

Walter Cronkite Story

With the passing of Walter Cronkite I felt compelled to tell my only interaction with him a couple of years ago. We went on vacation in Orlando to go to Universal Studios. It is a couple of hours north of us, so is an easy weekend trip. We had spent the weekend at a four star hotel, the Omni Hotel I believe, close to the amusement park. We went to the park, got room service, the whole deal. Unfortunately our clothes had gotten completely soaked at Universal Studios. We didn't expect that at all and I couldn't put them in our regular suitcase. So I got a brilliant idea to put everything in a trash bag, which in retrospect I don't remember where it had come from. So here we are walking through a luxurious four star hotel dragging a large bulging trash bag with our luggage. There was a big conference going on so there were people going through with suits as we were leaving. Just as we had made it to the door of the hotel the trash bag burst wide open with wet clothes going all over the floor. I was so embarrassed and I can tell my husband was already upset with my idea for getting the clothes to the car. We looked up and there was an aging Walter Cronkite looking down at us clear up our clothes the best we could. He asked, "need some help with that?" I remember I said "no" or "no thanks". He walked off and we were speechless. I don't think my husband forgave me. We looked and he was the main speaker at the event going on at the Omni. Well, after that we've been picky about the luggage we take with us.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13

Charity is patient, is kind: charity envieth not, dealeth not perversely, is not puffed up, Is not ambitious, seeketh not her own, is not provoked to anger, thinketh no evil: Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth with the truth: Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Charity never falleth away: whether prophecies shall be made void or tongues shall cease or knowledge shall be destroyed. For we know in part: and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But, when I became a man, I put away the things of a child. We see now through a glass in a dark manner: but then face to face. Now I know in part: but then I shall know even as I am known. And now there remain faith, hope, and charity, these three: but the greatest of these is charity.

Bring the Sword

Christ did come to bring peace between us, and that is widely accepted with most in Christianity. I believe what most have problems with is any acceptance of violence.

If one reads the bible, it isn't exactly all love and peace. Regardless of what one wants to think there was the banishing of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, there was the destruction of Sodom and Gamora, and there were the plagues during the time of Moses. This doesn't even bring up the battles supported by God.

These are mostly writings of the Old Testament, but where is there the belief to ignore these books? I've put on this blog before the quote where it mentions Jesus was here to bring the sword. Forgive me for not having the quote, but I'm writing from my phone. What I see from this is that we Christians are not all the religion of peace. No, we are the religion of Christ; that always overrides peace. Let me explain myself.

With the idea of peace, there are no base beliefs behind this, just the idea of not having violence. For instance, if there were many in a group chastising a figure you held dear, and if you spoke up there would be the invitation of violence. Those for standing up for thier idol would not be the peacemaker, but would be standing up for what he held dear. The same for Christians, I do not believe Christ meant for us to be silent to those against him to keep peace. I do not believe that Christianity is the religion of peace, but of following the principles of Christ and the laws given to Moses by God. Sometimes it means standing up against mother, brother and friend. Especially today. Inevitebly it is to win souls, and when will any you love be saved if you don't speak up?

Okay, I'm up way too late. Goodnight.

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