Tuesday, September 24, 2013

What do I want?

I have been off my feet for the  past couple of weeks due to an  accident I had where both of my ankles were injured. I have had time to do nothing but read current events, a little fantasy and watch TV. Before the injury I was in a kinda  daze. I had just traveled to see my parents and then the in laws with  my daughter in tow. The closest thing I come to a vacation is seeing family. But I wasn't doing anything worth while for myself. I don't clean at all. My house from my daughter  and I had become a disaster.I stopped exercising and taking care of myself. I lied about it and I thought every morning... "I'll start the next  day...  Its okay because I'll do it tomorrow." Of coarse it never happened. Does this sound like someone who wants a family? Wants to raise her child to be a good devout woman. I appear selfish and lazy from what I've been doing. Am I depressed? I guess so. I can't think of why else I'm doing this. Its definitely not to please my husband.

So now I hurt myself. I have to call my mom  for help. How else am I going to take care of a three year old? How else am I going to take care of myself? I feel guilty every day since and all of a sudden have tried to push myself. I want to feel better. I want to walk. I can't carry my daughter. I can't get her juice when  she wants it.  I'm lucky. My mom comes happily to save me from having to hire someone to take care of my daughter and try to make it best I can during the day on my own. But this comes with  its own burdens. Not that I can really share... But that isn't the point. I am starting to have a drive for once. I want to get myself out of the situation I'm in. The question is what do I want? I've been asked what do I want and not what others want. Of course I don't see myself actually pleasing anyone in my pathetic state. I guess in my own way I ask what everyone else wants and go along with it. Partially from not wanting to make a decision and from not wanting to upset anyone. So the questions is what do I want of my life. Here is what I have come up with:

1. I want a successful business - It has been Arthur and my dream to work together in a business we run. That business has turned out to be in government contracting. I haven't been working enough on this and when it came down to it, it is one of the top things I want for me and my family. I think my parents think this is me pleasing Arthur maybe, but its not. It is something we've wanted since we were first together and it didn't change when we had my daughter either. I worked on it the day I was in labor with her. I had drive to get our business going then.

2. Raise my child (and hopefully children) to be happy and religious - This should probably be number one, but I'm not paying attention to order. My family is what is most important in my life, and so raising my daughter is number one priority because she is the one in my family that relies on me for everything through the day. What I think of what I want for her, career doesn't matter, what matters to me is happiness. She is already intelligent and I believe she can achieve anything she wants. I believe she can only be happy through knowing her faith and being raised in it. So what I am doing doesn't go with this at all and I am constantly chastising  myself for it. I haven't taught her to say prayers and I haven't  taught her about behaving in church, because I'm too afraid to take her. I don't get up early enough for it too. So what am I doing?

3. I want  to be a religious model for my family - I had trouble thinking of how to describe this one. Before I met Arthur I went through a time I thought of going into the religious life. I didn't pursue it basically because I met Arthur. I was interested in religious studies and wanted to do what God had planned for me. God evidently planned for me to be a mother. From there my love is of philosophy and St. Thomas. I have the entire Summa Theologica at home and I haven't touched it. Basically I want to be more studious  in what I believe in and to live as an example of this for my family. It isn't enough to believe it, you must be able to live  it. This includes being a good mother and wife.  To be  a good religious woman basically. I think that is more important than seeking any selfish aims.

4. I want to be beautiful - Does that seem weird. I have dreams of looking at myself in my early twenties. I want to be that once again. I do see myself as beautiful at that time, though I didn't appreciate myself much at the time. This basically means loosing weight and keeping myself up, my hair and my face. That means trying to be good looking day  by day.  It is good to love the way you look no matter what, but I am not in a good place right now. It is best that I get to that point  of also being healthy.

That is basically it. That is what would make me happy. The list is short, but it shows alot of what I am. I truly am a religious woman who wants to represent herself as such through deeds and work. I haven't done any of it recently. So maybe the fall is what I needed to go back and rethink what I want out of life. Maybe I have been  depressed and in a slump of sorts. But my OCD is better and I use to most of my blame on that. What is there to blame now, but myself.

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