Sunday, April 15, 2012

OCD Episode

So it started with me waking up at 2 am on morning and my mind was racing. I believe it was this past Tuesday. Anyway, all I could see in my head were images of me cutting myself. It didn't matter if it was a knife or razor, it was simply me cutting through my arms. The thoughts were overwhelming that I should do this. If I do this then there would be some kind of relief. The feelings were so strong that I went over to hug my husband and told him to keep me from hurting myself. He said he would and I went back to get my daughter back to sleep. The thoughts got worse and I saw myself cutting my wrist and urges to do so. I couldn't stop crying. I love my life and I don't want to kill myself, but I was horribly afraid I would if I didn't control those thoughts. I never went to sleep. I was crying the entire morning.

I told my husband that I thought I was going to kill myself and he had to take off work and get me to the psychiatrist. After telling the psychiatrist what happened he gave me the option of staying with my husband's constant supervision or to be hospitalized. I opted to be with my family and since then my mom has flown in and then my mother in law is coming in.

All in all I found out I am not as much of a suicide risk and just have had a bad episode of OCD. You think you have this disease figured out then something else comes on and you don't know what to do with it. I am on several medications now to calm the intrusive thoughts and evidently it was all from an SSRI, Luvox, that I just started that was the cause of this episode.

Now I just deal with the thoughts but it is better knowing that there isn't actually as much a risk of suicide. My psychologist tells me they are OCD thoughts and think of them as separate from my own. I have the avoidance compulsion still continues. Hopefully this will all go down soon.

Till next time!

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