Well, I am not still in New England. I just realized that I haven't posted since my trip. Nothing too interesting to speak of. I had an okay time but in the end I couldn't fully enjoy it because Art couldn't. So yet again, failed vacation.
I am no longer unemployed. Now I am definitely self employed. Which means I go to an office every day and work on my own. No boss, just me. Which I find myself to be quit tough enough without anyone else over me. It is difficult to designate hours especially when you are starting off and trying to start the cash flow of the company. But I am ever hopeful.
Now brings us to today.
Its about one in the morning and I still can't sleep. I've had a lot on my mind recently though I must confess. Some I can't mention and some have been mentioned before. Infertility is always on my mind. It is a drive to have a better life style. A want for a better body or at least similar to the one I had. I got on a bike the other day and I rode it down the block. A text message went through and I stopped to check and see who it was. When I stopped an overwhelming nausea came over me. I was seeing spots and had trouble breathing. I was steady enough to set down my bike and set myself on the grass, but I didn't have the energy to do anything else. I was there for a little while before I even text Art. By the time he text back I was able to call and speak. He thinks I had a panic attack, it is possible. Regardless at that moment I thought my body failed me and I was too scared to go on. I didn't think it was my nerves at the time, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't.
So I am trying to be a little more conscience of what I eat. I need to get over my anxiety in other areas. I had to force myself to get on that bike and to ride out that day. Its like this fear of people seeing me, what if I do something wrong. A bunch of stuff comes up in my mind. Not very helpful right now. Isn't exercise suppose to decrease anxiety?
Other than above mentioned. Business is always over my head. When you work on your own, you are literally doing everything. That is a little weird to me. Everything also rides on me. If it fails, I failed. That is a lot of pressure. If I don't make it. I will probably have to go work for an a-hole again. Which that is a big portion of my drive in the first place. Even with that, it isn't saying I am not excited and that I can't do well.
Well, we will see how things go. Enough of my personal life.