Happy Thanksgiving!

We had our first Thanksgiving with just our little family here in Virginia. We spent most of the day cooking and we had a already prepared meal we thought. I didn't pretend that I could do the cooking of an entire meal like this. Everything turned out great. Best turkey I've had in years! Little girl fell asleep before the meal and spent it asleep on my lap. No fighting in our little group and everyone was happy. Best of all for me I had no OCD bothering me today. All in all a good day. Now I am stuffed and am about ready for bed. Happy Thanksgiving!

Started a group

I've tried to start a meetup group when I was having bad OCD symptoms the first time. I have gone on and off on trying to get it going. It is a group for people with OCD, which is hard to get people to meet about evidentally. I get one person at a time to meet me. I will just keep on trying as I go. The others I've met with have offered to help. But even not that many people are there to meet it is helpful talking to others with the same problem. It is interesting to see the similarities that people have to you. For instance I had a conversation that this other person plays games when they feel stressed out. So we started to talk about computer games. I play computer games, mainly Diablo 3 to help me out when thoughts are bad. I also try Tetris, which works pretty good.

But I keep scheduling these meetings with nobody but the same couple of people signing up when I have about 15 people in the group. I guess I will just keep trying. Meetup is pretty neat other than that. I have used it to meet people in more than one mother group. Those are pretty successful.

Nothing else new. Till next time.

Minnie for Halloween

We bought my baby girl her Halloween costume. We let her pick it for the first time. She chose Minnie Mouse and didn't want to take off the costume when we tried it on her at home. It was beautiful watching her twirl around in it. I had to put her in an old costume to get her out of her new one.

I can't wait to dress her up next week. That's what makes thr holidays fun.

More about my thoughts

My brain is plagued with thoughts and I wonder how I am going to deal with this the next few weeks. My meds were changed up so I have to adjust.

I was able to get out of the house today to do shopping and run errands with my mom and daughter. I wish I knew if that brings my stress level down or not.

I look up eposodic OCD and depression. It does little to aleviate me, but I feel compelled to all the same. Just doing that is related to the illness. What is interesting is some believe it is a neurological even though labelled as psychiatric. I wonder if more attention would be given if it was neurological. I feel like there is so much more research to be done.

Well, I am waiting for my daughter to wake up. Its her nap time. Any minute now...

Sprained Ankle

I went to OCD clinic a couple of days ago. It was a three hour interview. I went through my entire life history and guess what... I'm still OCD. The only difference is I'm eposodic. All that means is they are doing my meds differently.

Then the next day I thought I'd have fun with my mom and daughter at an animal park with a fall festival. My little one chased a pig, played in a bouncy house, and ate fresh apples with cider. Then I went down this big hay slide and hit my foot on the side, and spraining my ankle.

So I have OCD, a cold and a sprained ankle. But, life is good:)

Till next time.

Nothing deep

I love that I now have an app where I can easily post from my phone!

I have an appointment tomarrow at an OCD clinic. That is all that is on my mind recently. I am also trying to start a group for people with OCD as well. I had one person come. That's a start.

I'll post how the clinic goes. That's about it.

Angel

About setting up home

Further OCD Mess

I've had a good stent of time where I was happy and sane. I don't know if I give credit to the medication or to other changes in my life. One way or another, I was sane. Then a few days ago, just like a switch, my OCD came back. I've had episodes where I feel completely crazy and want to cry. You fight compulsions, that is probably why I feel crazey. I am heavily obsessing and avoiding compulsions other than some counting. I've read all I can about OCD, so that doesn't help me anymore. So now I going to a top specialist and see what happens there. I hope I have a good review when I am done. If not I am told I will go to a top specialist in NYC. I am thinking this one will be good enough though. I don't have much confidence in my current doctor, though he did actually get my symptoms down for awhile. I just don't like that he doesn't respect my faith as well. I just know I don't want to go back to him telling him symptoms have returned. I want off my meds... I don't think that is a possibility though. I will have to discuss it with the new psychiatrist that I have to travel about an hour and a half to get to by the way. I guess that isn't too bad. I just the traffic that it takes to get there. But that will be fine all the same. I fear most of all telling someone new all about my experiences.I have to go back through my paperwork to make sure I wrote everything down...

Birth Control

The questions was asked of me of why I am against the use of birth control. It is easiest for me to take the religious approach on this question. I believe that God's purpose for sex is for procreation and it is against God's plan when you take away the possibility of procreation when it comes to sex. This also puts sex as something between two committed adults when you have the possibility of procreation for the purpose of the children produced.

But with everything that is explained religiously there is a logical answer to it as well. I always believe that as I believe in natural law. What has happened with birth control's rise in society? Has it benefited women as a whole? With birth control sex is just sex. With this you have to ask what is the reason for lasting relationships? Yes, there maybe companionship, but holds together companionship when there are fights and when there are just general problems? Nothing. There is a lack of purpose in the relationship. To have sex? What holds a man to a relationship?

Since there is birth control there is one thing I've noticed that is worst for women in general, that men seeing women just for sex. They don't see sex as the outcome of a lasting relationship with women. This takes away respect that men have for women in many cases and it causes less need for marriage in the long run for men. Why marry when you can just get sex? I hope I am not skipping too much in this.

I think that you can blame birth control and abortion for the rise of single motherhood in this country and the break down of the family. The reason? There is always an out for the man. "I thought you were of birth control? I never wanted kids.", "Why don't you just have an abortion?" And it isn't the men who make this choice, it is the women. Don't they say that? Women choose weather or not to have a baby? I realize I am taking this to an abortion discussion as well, but this is what happens. Birth control devalues the relationship between men and women and in the end it has devalued the natural family.

So that is a short version of why I am against birth control. I believe women should be still held up as ladies to men and be seen as more value than what they are today.

Harm OCD

I am a little disappointed I can't find anything else on the type of ocd I have. I described before I am obsessed with cutting myself. Most obsess with cutting others and I find little other than yes it is a form of OCD.

So if you have something similar I'd like to hear.

OCD Episode

So it started with me waking up at 2 am on morning and my mind was racing. I believe it was this past Tuesday. Anyway, all I could see in my head were images of me cutting myself. It didn't matter if it was a knife or razor, it was simply me cutting through my arms. The thoughts were overwhelming that I should do this. If I do this then there would be some kind of relief. The feelings were so strong that I went over to hug my husband and told him to keep me from hurting myself. He said he would and I went back to get my daughter back to sleep. The thoughts got worse and I saw myself cutting my wrist and urges to do so. I couldn't stop crying. I love my life and I don't want to kill myself, but I was horribly afraid I would if I didn't control those thoughts. I never went to sleep. I was crying the entire morning.

I told my husband that I thought I was going to kill myself and he had to take off work and get me to the psychiatrist. After telling the psychiatrist what happened he gave me the option of staying with my husband's constant supervision or to be hospitalized. I opted to be with my family and since then my mom has flown in and then my mother in law is coming in.

All in all I found out I am not as much of a suicide risk and just have had a bad episode of OCD. You think you have this disease figured out then something else comes on and you don't know what to do with it. I am on several medications now to calm the intrusive thoughts and evidently it was all from an SSRI, Luvox, that I just started that was the cause of this episode.

Now I just deal with the thoughts but it is better knowing that there isn't actually as much a risk of suicide. My psychologist tells me they are OCD thoughts and think of them as separate from my own. I have the avoidance compulsion still continues. Hopefully this will all go down soon.

Till next time!

Stay At Home Mom

I wish I knew what it took to have control over home and raising the little one. Raising the little one actually is going well; I think its just the home that gets out of hand. Maybe blogging isn't the best thing to do when I have this problem, but I've been thinking on this alot.

Cleaning is what I have never been good at. My mom has said to my husband that she didn't raise me to be a housewife. Well, I feel kinda cheated now because this does me no good when that is exactly what I am. I am good at work. What I mean is with keeping up with office work with the jobs I've had, I am good at that. I remember being good at it. At one of my jobs I closed all this stuff as a recruiter just before I left... I mean, performance was never a problem. BUT.... This does not help me now. And it isn't like I could just go back to work either. That leaves out the little one. I want to raise her, it just leaves me in a "job" that I am not good at.

This makes me think of when speaking to someone and asking them, "What do you do?" Basic question that you ask someone when you are learning about them. When I got the answer that they were a Stay at Home Mom (before I was one myself), I didn't know what to say next. If you haven't had the experience, there is a real gap in understanding. So you stay at home all the time? At the same time there isn't the same respect for it, which ties me back to what my mom would tell my husband. There are many women who think that way. There is a lack of respect for the position of raising your children and taking care of the home. But believe me, it is as much of a job as if you are working.

I was reading an article on putting forward the family over individual. That is something I think is lacking in our society. With this relations between husband and wife are affected and most effected I believe are the children. Women asserting themselves by working outside the home when it is not really essential to do so with kids puts alot of strain on the family. There is the cost of healthcare and there is the major fact that someone else is raising your children. I had bad experience as a child with daycare centers and babysitters. I never want to put my children through this. I want to be there for the little one and I will put myself in the vulnerable position of being at home.

So, that is why I can't work. I may be good at it, but I care too much about putting family first. I know many that work out of the home that can't because of lack of family income. I'm not speaking on those women at all. But I do put blame on women in our society that put my generation of women in the position where you require two incomes. Because these women can't make that choice. From women working so much out of the home two incomes slowly becomes a necessity to more and more families.

This does not help me in my original problem I started with. How to be good at being a house wife... Now that I'm in this position, how do I do it? It something I was raised not to respect and never been taught to do. I've been taught to have a maid. Lovely right. Well, I'll see if it gets easier as I see it as my job.