Bored

Do you remember being bored when you were a kid. Not much of responsibility or much to do in general. It usually came in the summer months, but other than home work and chores what else is there?

I was thinking at this moment I was bored, but really there is still stuff to do. I won't go into extreme detail, but there are things to clean, pay, organize and work to be done at all times. And now my computer is about to die... great.

I wish I had the freedom you have when you were a child. That is what I feel is gone. Strange you really aren't free because of parent supervision but at the same time you are free to play more than any other time of your life. I think that sometimes when I see my daughter. She has no responsibility right now and is free to play as much as she wants. That is beautiful. Well, I'll post before my computer dies:)

Medication

I feel like I am being used as an experiment with medication no matter the doctor I go to. Doctors like to put me on a variety of medications it seems, all seems worth going along with though. I need some for anxiety/OCD, whatever you want to call it. I need some for my thyroid. I need others for vitamins, because you become easily deficient while breast feeding. I need others to sleep because of the other medications keeping me awake.

From this I am suppose to be better which part of it is. I find myself wanting to get off medication because of medication working which is a ridiculous idea I know. Something I've told others on psychiatric drugs to just keep going, but none listen. I'm going to keep going myself.

So why does this matter. Well with all of this I still am not quite right. My OCD is down but anxiety is up... Doesn't make sense to me. I find myself afraid of communicating the slightest things to others close to me. So things play through my head over and over and over... Is that the OCD up again? Maybe. That is the diagnosis right...

So maybe its just the medication not fully working yet and I didn't even realize it because the obsessions changed. Maybe. They just don't change often. They are usually quite consistent. Am I making sense? That is a good question.

Well, the medications are there as I am trying to get back a life that I imagine I can have. I imagine complete happiness with what I have which I should. Other than a few snags here and there I have a wonderful family and I take care of a wonderful daughter. Can all of this help me enjoy it a little better and also along the way not drive others close to me crazy? I don't know.

I need sleep. Good night blog world.

Conversation

Drawing more angels

Angel 3

Eye

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Mary

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Angel 2

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Daughter

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Angel 1

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OCD list

List of compulsions and obsessions:

Obsessions:

Thoughts of harming self
Thoughts of lying to others
Thoughts about particular movie I haven't seen (I know weird)
Obsessed about perfection
Obsessed about loosing things
Obsessed about peeing on self at night


Compulsions:

Drawing on self
Counting posts when riding in car
touching and scratching arms
Countering bad thoughts
Expressing how I'm not lying
Going to the bathroom when I don't need to
Wearing pants at night
Having light in the room (bunch of bedtime stuff)
Looking up OCD

That is what I can think of off the top of my head.

Drawing OCD and images in my head

I just finished drawing, nothing really good since its been awhile. Drawing is not easy with a one year old. I had to get an image out of my head. It was of a woman that was painted all in white with black stripes. She has a plain expression on her face. She blankly stares back at everyone with her stripes and shaved head to be seen by everyone, but she doesn't stand proudly. She crouches in holding her knees in close to her. As those usually do if there is a problem.

I didn't quite draw that woman,probably because I am on sleep medication and am not quite functioning correctly tonight. I am having some insomnia though. This woman is a representation of OCD for me I believe. I keep seeing her and I made it up in my head, I know. That is how I interpret everything, with these images. They don't always come to paper exactly as I want. But I can create art that makes you wonder. I know that much. From my past fascination with Tarot and anime strangely enough. I revert back to my anime style every once in awhile.

Maybe I should train my hand and I would be good, but what would be the fun in that:) It is much more fun picking up things as you go and not having the seriousness of other artists. Frankly I don't usually call my art as such with others because it seems almost an insult to think I could. So no problem to me, I let my art stand to the side. It isn't all appropriate for home work anyway. Its mainly the joy in creating it and getting it out of my head. I wish I could think of music like I think of art, but God gives us these gifts. We don't choose them.

Well, my eyes are going out on me. Literally going out of focus greatly. So goodnight. Maybe I'll feel better even if the exact image isn't out there.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I read somewhere that stating that you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is one of the most difficult things to make public; like coming out of closet so to speak. That may not be understood by those who don't have it, but there is such shame that comes with it that it is hard to tell out in the open. I know this because I have it.

This is something that I have denied to myself for years but recently come to grips with it because I really had to. If I didn't then I would have remained trapped in my house with my anxieties. I didn't want that at all. I've been on medication for about a month now and feel better than I have in years.

It is strange thing to have and very hard to explain. When I first tell people that they usually don't believe me; or maybe that is a fear I have. The reason I have no compulsions that are really noticeable to anyone but my husband, who I have to say is very good about the whole thing. It gets bad enough where I hardly leave my bed from obsessions at times. I don't want to be around people because I'm afraid they will see it; which is ridiculous really. It isn't a very logical mental illness though.

I wish I could explain it better for those who may come across this. Maybe I will think of something better on this later. I feel better stating this even if it is on a website that I am sure not many read. But hey, I've told so few people this is a start.

Seby

I will miss you and I love you, puppy.

Good Friday

My little one is a year old today. I wish it didn't fall on Good Friday, but it was just luck. Today is a day of fasting a contemplation. Today signifies the day that Jesus died for our sins and we wait for his coming. I never have time for reading and study anymore.... I don't quite u derstand the place of mourning of the day. It shouldn't be a day of celebration, but even at that time wouldn't it simply a time of anticipation for those of faith. They knew he was to come again in three days and do as the Lord promised. He also sacrificed himself for us on this day. He gave himself for our sins. So, on Sunday it represents the day he gave us our everlasting life; but Friday is really the beginning of that promise. Maybe I'm missing something. For this day, I decided it was no time to celebrate for my daughter. She is one today, but the focus should be on our Lord. Today he made the ultimate sacrifice, and for that we give our undying love.

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Xoom

I am posting for the first time from my Xoom; my new toy. We were debating for awhile on going with iPad or another tablet, but this won out. I had an Evo previously that was my favorite toy. I loved it much more than my iPhone that I am actually using again regularly. So when it came to android interface compared to apple's, I went with android. I'll have to play with it for awhile to give a better review, but so far I will tell you it is very easy to type on for not having a key board. Very suprising!

Well, I am going to play some more.... Bye.

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Living in NOVA

I had never heard of the term "NOVA" till I moved to Northern Virginia. It is one of the many things that I am starting to learn of my new home. I think I've been here for about a month now, and I can say I have a much more positive outlook on the DC metro area than I did of Miami when I moved there. First of all when I came here I saw snow. I haven't seen snow in so long... It had been when I worked for united back in 2006 right before we were married. In comparison to Texas or anywhere in South Florida, the place is gorgeous. There are hills with little two lane historic roads and trees all around. It can be fun if you have the right car. I was already happy of the thought of moving here because of all the different site seeing opportunities and everything I love as being a history buff. But it is hard to be a tourist in the place you live. Life tends to get in the way.

So here is the reality of it all. The traffic sucks! It doesn't matter where you go, you are in traffic. And from reading or hearing from the different reasons for it, it plainly seems to be because different little cities, different states... All cannot agree on the building of roads. Also, they do stupid things like make 66 all carpool during high traffic times to force everyone else onto surface streets! I could go on and on about the traffic. You know what though, it isn't as bad as Miami. Not because the traffic is less... Oh no, traffic is worse here than in Miami from what I see. It is because at least they are not trying to kill you. I don't fear for my life driving here like I do in South Florida. I just feel incredible anger towards the drivers that seem to be in no hurry of getting anywhere that back up traffic for no apparent reason. Its like they are from Texas or something:)

What else, there is still quite an illegal immigrant problem here as well. It kinda worries me and makes me wonder how the rest of the country is like. I mean, in Miami you see the ultimate outcome of that in the end. No one speaks English there and drive out those who are not of Hispanic culture and don't speak Spanish. The final outcome is a Banana Republic, yeah. It still isn't quite as bad as South Florida. It just makes me wonder about the world my daughter will be living in.

But all in all, what I have here that I didn't have in South Florida is a young population. Everyone is around my age and has babies. I love the thought of there being alot of others our daughter's age around. In Florida, she was a rarity and that is not good for a child. I heard of my husband's childhood and the way he was treated by an older population. There is a disdain for children. Here they are everywhere. She loves seeing other babies too. That is one reason I really liked moving here and why I am still optimistic.

I still have so much to learn of there area, so hopefully I can post a different perspective in a few months; if I remember. Till then....

Another day in April

I am drinking hot tea sitting up in bed next to my little sleeping daughter. My stomach is killing me and I am anticipating my husbands arrival home in the middle of the night from travel. I am never sure if I should be writing on the deeper things on life or if people only really care for the simple day to day things. Maybe if I were an expert on any certain subject then deeper writing would be readily acknowledged by other; I am an expert on nothing, but I have an opinion on everything.

So for the lighter things in life... I am slowly preparing for a first birthday. Because I moved a couple of times recently and am in a new area, the party will only be intimate; but my little one still deserves a celebration all the same. I went to the toy store and got her a little doll house for her age (you know, nothing she can choke on). Then I got her this little activity center that has a tiny slide, baseball and basketball; again appropriate for a one year old. She is a little active thing, so I am sure she will enjoy it all. It is amazing how she has seemed to gained energy in just the past week. Next I have to think of theme... Possibly Easter. I mean it will be celebrated on Easter, so that kinda settles it. I would have been happier with a Sesame Street one though. And how many more birthdays will I have this much control over? I don't think too many of them. I mean she she will be able to speak by the next one.

Other than that we have a business that is in so many ways just about to take off further and I am excited just looking at the possibilities. Not much else to write on that front though; not much I like to give away. I realize now how valuable my knowledge is. Not many have seen multi-million dollar businesses grow from scratch. I hope I am about to see it again. The very first bit you go through can be painful, but this part we are getting to is fun. There is a reason people become entrepreneurs, I think it is the same reason people sky dive or gamble. Except with this there is less risk of bodily harm and better odds than gambling... Dependent on your model.

So there is life for right now. I don't think I can type much longer, the sound starts to wake the baby after awhile. Kinda funny, I find it soothing... Goodnight.

Turning 29 this month

This month brings so much celebration in a short amount of time. It is my wedding anniversary to start and then my daughter's birthday around Easter and then my birthday ends out the month. So much happens in April that I tend to loose track of my birthday usually. I know last year I had just had my daughter; everyone asked about my birthday, but all I could say is I got my gift. She was who I had waited for years to meet. So I made it by my birthday with little sleep taking care of a newborn and healing from my delivery. The whole period is a bit of a haze. This year I am turning 29. I have moments here and there where I think of it, but again life has a way of distracting you. I have a little girl about to turn 1, a business to attend to and we have just moved across the country to Virginia.

But there are times when I need to think back a little. I have a realization that I am not old; Art laughs at me saying anything to the contrary just for the fact that he is older than me. It is just kind of a realization that at the same time that you are much more of an adult; at the same time you are not young. Seems silly, it probably will looking back at this. But I look back at my life so far and where I am at isn't that bad. I am in no way feel sad about the future, but more anxious for each of the next steps to happen. The lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband and now a wonderful child that is about to turn one. And she is gorgeous! Everything else can go crazy from time to time, including the emotions, but really what else do you need.

I do have to pause for a moment and ask what else I want out of life? With thinking of that the answers come to me; some slowly as I think on it from time to time through the last few weeks. I want to have a large family. I grew up with a large extended family but a small household family. It didn't matter though, the extended family seemed to always be around when I was little. I associate the time I lived near them to be a very happy time in my childhood. I missed them when we moved further out. I know my daughter will not have a large extended family and so I do want to have a large household. I don't want her to ever feel alone. I know she will always be loved, but I don't know how much other family will optionally be around us. Its plainly just because of where we live like when I moved further out when I was younger.

Also, I want success. Sound strange? As much work as I've put into start ups I don't think that is too much to ask. I've felt like I've spent a good part of my 20s putting my life into different business' and now into my own. So all I want is a little success. I've had my victories, but I haven't made it to the point where I can look and say, "I did it". May be that is a few years off, but it would be a relief.

You know, from that all else should flow. So that is it for my list a family and success in a business.... whichever it may be:) Still years in the making, but as I said before, I am far from old.

Late Happy Birthday El!

Just realized I have a six year old blog. My blog is six years old right before my little one's first birthday! At least a couple of months off.

We are moving once again. I've been in Texas for a few months and now we go up to the DC area and that is probably where we will stay. It is a little sad to think I probably won't live in Texas again, but it is fine all the same. I wish the last place I stayed wasn't here. I am in a prison town that is usually a place hated by the rest of the world because of being known for holding the death penalty for Texas. Guess where?

Well, I'll be moving to a new place in a couple of weeks. Exciting!

New Developments

She could say mama at 8 months. She crawled for the first time Feb 2nd on the hotel bed with her parents by her. Right after she crawled she could stand on her own a few days later for a few seconds. She has been pulling up on furniture...