Sunday, May 29, 2005

My biggest distraction...

What to write, what to write....

Okay, I guess I'll just go with my train of thought then. I've been out of sorts for awhile. Partly because of my new relationship with Arthur, partly because of having a cold and partly from having panic attacks more frequently. I have had some real problems with my stress levels and it has really been effecting how well I function in my day to day life.

The simplest tasks become hard and my social anxiety comes back. It really sucks. Its over for now though... I've really had a weight lifted off of my shoulders today.

How much do I say?

Well, I've been trying to face some things in my past. One thing in particular... stuff that happened in my past relationship with my ex. I didn't really realize how much I was holding in until I felt I had to let the new guy know about my past. My ex was unstable to say the least. I've had a knife to my throat, broken mirror held to my throat and just been strangled.... Yeah, he has some wierd thing with that. I don't think it would be a good idea to go into more detail than that, it isn't very pleasant. Plus I have a growing fear even as I write this of what others think....

So why am I putting this up here? I've realised how this past relationship effects my close relationship with everyone else I care about. I was in a realtionship for five years where I could not act out naturally against my partner. My anger was usually misplaced. I didn't know when things would be good and when things would be bad, so I would try my hardest to read him.... to know how to react to him.

This leaves me reading too much into every damn relationship that I get into or just any relationship that I have in general. I'm talking friendships and all. That's been my constant distraction! How can you focus if you are constantly on edge with every relationship in your life?

I hope I'm making sense. This is hard to explain... but when I realized what I was doing it was like my body relaxed for the first time in a long time.....

Not to say that I'm better. It has to be noticeable that there is something wrong with me when I can't complete but one class in an entire year. Now I just need to figure out what to do....

There it is, at least part of it. That has been on my mind. I do what ever I can to keep it away... I haven't been able to escape it and I haven't been able to get over it.

So here I am. That is where I am at. Now I am going to bed. I'm going to church with my parents in the morning.

Goodnight:)

6 comments:

Jessica said...

Wow, pretty hardcore dude! Obviously I've known about this for years and shit. It's weird hearing you actually talk about it on the internet. The only thing I think is weird is that you've only been out of a long-term relationship for several months and you are already trying to get into another one. Just be careful!

el said...

Thanks, I had trouble writing this at first. I need help though. My panic attacks were starting to get bad. The slightest thing has been giving me anxiety. I think it'll be okay though.

I've really fallen for Arthur. I will try to be carful with it though:)

nixonreed said...

Very brave of you to put your emotions for the world to see. I think you've lost your trust in other humans. But like everything in life something and or someone will come along to reaffirm that faith. It sounds like you found someone who will be that person, so good luck to you.

Anastasia said...

trust yourself if you start to think your new man has any of the same violent tendencie. Or any man you're with, for that matter. You know.

el said...

Yeah, I should have realized that with my ex. He was obviously violent, but for some reason I thought he'd get better or stop or something. That was really stupid of me, I wasn't in my right mind. I just have to remember that if you have to lie about the guy to those close to you, then there is definatly something wrong. With Arthur, I've never felt ashamed to let others see him. I've never had to lie. He's been the best! I pray I never have to experience anything like my ex ever again.

Jim Buggz said...

El, you have more than my respect. It takes a lot of courage to open up as you have. Women have it tough on this earth, that is undeniable. Good Luck with Arthur :)
Best wishes
-Jim